In this way, I wanted to be more delicate about the way I hashed it out on the keyboard. Maybe memorizing a board isn't everything...in life. May be this morning I wanted to see the sunrise and I couldn't quite recollect as I looked at the full moon, which was east and which was west and for what I was living for? Because I couldn't remember the last time I had been up with the sunrise and really enjoyed it.
I really wanted it all to come together so nicely, you know? Except I do have to look to punctuate... sometimes. And I am not quite all here, it feels as though the medications have brought me to a state where, I am just waiting tentatively to be hung up by my shoelaces in the middle of town. And if only my shoelaces matched and weren't so dirty...and if only I had celebrated my friends birthday in spirit, and said you know you can see the ocean in the sunset...and see islands! And I laugh and joke but I really saw them! I saw Hawaii from the back porch of Dragon's castle! And if it were not so I wouldn't have cried out when I saw you, standing there looking all tough! I would have seen my son, in the sunshine! I wouldn't look down in shame at my scars, and cry woe is my life in a bathing suit...
And I do declare that I have done everything possibly wrong in my life, and somehow I still have breath. Everything. I have followed in foolish ways and it has left me a stray. Its almost as if I were color blind on a monotone Sunday. I am an after thinker, and patronizing the legal system, penniless and hopeless. With a whole line of bullshit behind me. I see lines and signs and they are not of wonder! They make me feel ignorant and humiliated, and isn't that what I should see the first time? No I guess not! I am at the brinks of insanity...and I am afraid. I am very afraid. And I am ashamed and embarrassed. It is like I flipped a huge table of food over on to the dining room floor and yelled, "lets eat!" Massive ego abusing stroke.
I thought it would be bold to speak my mind and have this journey through my soul here on the internet. To talk of crossovers and collisions of universes in a way that I thought was cool I understood. Dead wrong. I feel like a little mouse hiding in my house, and like I said my shoelaces hang me up come Wednesday. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe what God is trying to teach me is walking forward through the fear...I swear the meds that I am on now are like LSD. I really have no faith in getting better from meds...I really want my truth, even if it be deserving hell...which is what my mind tells me lately...thats it. Its over and I am on repeat in hell.
I am sorry moon, I am sorry sunrise, I am sorry mom. I love you Father, I love you "wicked step families," I love you all my brothers and sisters. I love you, cycles of death and rebirth. I loved myself too much and I missed a lot. So I am sorry to myself too. I don't want to be insane.
I really wanted it all to come together so nicely, you know? Except I do have to look to punctuate... sometimes. And I am not quite all here, it feels as though the medications have brought me to a state where, I am just waiting tentatively to be hung up by my shoelaces in the middle of town. And if only my shoelaces matched and weren't so dirty...and if only I had celebrated my friends birthday in spirit, and said you know you can see the ocean in the sunset...and see islands! And I laugh and joke but I really saw them! I saw Hawaii from the back porch of Dragon's castle! And if it were not so I wouldn't have cried out when I saw you, standing there looking all tough! I would have seen my son, in the sunshine! I wouldn't look down in shame at my scars, and cry woe is my life in a bathing suit...
And I do declare that I have done everything possibly wrong in my life, and somehow I still have breath. Everything. I have followed in foolish ways and it has left me a stray. Its almost as if I were color blind on a monotone Sunday. I am an after thinker, and patronizing the legal system, penniless and hopeless. With a whole line of bullshit behind me. I see lines and signs and they are not of wonder! They make me feel ignorant and humiliated, and isn't that what I should see the first time? No I guess not! I am at the brinks of insanity...and I am afraid. I am very afraid. And I am ashamed and embarrassed. It is like I flipped a huge table of food over on to the dining room floor and yelled, "lets eat!" Massive ego abusing stroke.
I thought it would be bold to speak my mind and have this journey through my soul here on the internet. To talk of crossovers and collisions of universes in a way that I thought was cool I understood. Dead wrong. I feel like a little mouse hiding in my house, and like I said my shoelaces hang me up come Wednesday. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe what God is trying to teach me is walking forward through the fear...I swear the meds that I am on now are like LSD. I really have no faith in getting better from meds...I really want my truth, even if it be deserving hell...which is what my mind tells me lately...thats it. Its over and I am on repeat in hell.
I am sorry moon, I am sorry sunrise, I am sorry mom. I love you Father, I love you "wicked step families," I love you all my brothers and sisters. I love you, cycles of death and rebirth. I loved myself too much and I missed a lot. So I am sorry to myself too. I don't want to be insane.