Addiction

I hate having an addiction...even cigarettes are morbid to say the least.  Embarrassing and deadly.  I don't know how to quit and stay quit, but they make me feel like shit on a shoe...ashtrays?  Yuck.  I am embarressed to buy them...they are stupid expensive and deadly...did I mention that already?  Sometimes when I haven't smoked for awhile I smell them and they make me gag.  And then they are right back in my hand, like a damn pacifier.

Smoking can be generational, I don't think it needs to be.  Please God deliver me from this smokey gag reflex, which is a noose around my neck.  These little white twigs of oder make me feel like shit about me, about my situations, and about having them around my offspring.  Please God I pray make me stronger than this addiction, help me fight this battle.

I remember my little bro putting a note in my cigarettes when I was a teenager.  I know he meant it.  Cigarettes make me weep inside.  Cigarettes steal money from my children.  Cigarettes make me age with less grace than alcohol, and that is saying a ton of smoke!  It is time to be strong and be smoke free.  Big scary court day is over...I can do this.  And if I fail and smoke one, it doesn't mean just go buy a whole pack!  Damn you would think they were little heroin shots or something!

I want to be done, please God help!!!