Here is an excerpt from "Fairytale:" It all ties in somehow.
March 21, 2013
I
had to leave the meeting. I am worried
sick to my stomach about you. You
haven’t been there. It’s not even about
thinking about you with other girls. I
am just worried that you’re not okay.
And I told you that I haven’t felt this way for a very, very long
time. I felt this way about Jake
Black…my best friend in 6th grade.
I loved him with all my heart. He
was the most popular jock in 6th grade and he was best friends with
me…I was a nerdy stringy haired scraggly little girl. I didn’t get to grow up with him because we
moved to Laurel. I didn’t see him again
until my 20’s. The last night I saw him
we were at a bar. He came up to me and
grabbed my hand at closing time…He begged me to go home with him…begged me to
just go home and talk to him. I told my
best friend no…because I loved him so much I didn’t want to ruin it with
sex. He is dead. He killed himself shortly after that. If I could take back one night in my entire
messed up life…I would tell him a million times yes. A billion times. I loved him.
Then
I loved Bart. Seventh grade…he was nice
to me in math. Everyone in that school
had rejected me the first six months. I
crushed hard. I loved him too. I told him I liked him in 8th
grade…and he never ever stopped teasing me.
He was cruel. He and his whole group of friends my class made fun of me
relentlessly all through high school. I
did get over him when I was freshman and started dating older guys. I did feel that pure, sweet and innocent
passion for him for a long time though. He was an alcoholic…the last time I
facebooked him he was trying to stay sober.
I told him to try the program...he said the program was stupid. He shot himself in the head last summer.
I
am so worried. I want to see you. I want to know you are okay. I just have no idea where you are at. Please don’t leave me. I don’t’ think you are like that though… God
I hope not. Those boys were really,
really fudging great people. And they left this world. I think I am hyperventilating right now…I
don’t like this at all. I don’t know
what to do about this. I can’t stop crying. I want to be calm. I want to know you are safe. Sitting home
playing your guitar…something safe.
Maybe making me a belt. This is KILLING me. I want to find you right now. But I have to trust God, that he wouldn’t do
that to me again. Please God…he’s
ok. I just want to tell you everything
right now…I don’t want to have to worry anymore, but I know that won’t work for
us. I hate being this afraid for you. So
far this is the hardest day for me to not text you. I won’t.
I got to dry my eyes and go get my kids.
I don’t know why I love you this much.
<<<
Got
my kiddos and held it together. I am
such a better mom sober…that alone is all I need to keep it. I think it is a beautiful thing when I can
cry. I haven’t had real tears left in
two years. Goodnight
******************************************************************************************
January 22, 2016
Strangely enough, I talked to Bart on the phone in my dreams last night...I had predicted it would be Jake. I don't know why these deep connections hold on. Although from the post about marrying Adam in heaven I do remember I wasn't quite sure who I was going to marry, just that I was getting married and in the ER room God was telling me something big! I went back to my mother's womb, believe it or not I threw water on the ground to spiritually "break the water..." but what God told me is in the book, and you will have to buy it, lol.
Not too much going on in Flatt lately...need some encouragement to move on from Dragon. Plain as day I got to find another way to fill my time. I have been going to the gym and yes, thinking about a normal JOB.