Normal Reprieve

I am just normal...average today.  I feel as though my creative edge and even my happy is cut short by this shot in my arm of the medication InVega.  It is ok, I suppose to be normal, except knowing how crazy I have been, and trying to make sense of it.  I reread some of my work and think it is beautiful, but where in the heck did it come from and is it "illness" only?  Is it something to be avoided?

Yes, my edge is gone I am just a robot in this life..."fixed" into the maze of normalcy, but lacking the confidence to proceed as normal.  Like when will the crazy return. I feel healed?  I feel so very, very average, and plain with very little energy.  Most think I am better this way, healthier for my kids...most say.  But I feel cut off!  I feel like I am missing out on something bigger.  It is proof that somehow medications work well at cutting off one's spirituality.  Its nice waking up not thinking I have some sort of say in the way the world is going to go around, but still what if that was real somehow and this existence is not even the big picture.

I don't know how when I am in that place that I get there and how it feels so real?  Insanity is so real! I also don't know all this talk lately I hear around me about God not existing?  I mean please!  If you had even an ounce of my experience you would know that we are in a spiritual battle all the time...even if  I can't feel it right now it is still going on.  Two sides.  Multi-planes of existence.  Has to be, because I have lived it and seen it with my own visions.

Arrrgghhhh if I could make any sense of this, that would be nice!  Instead I am just gearing up for the holidays fat and sassy.  Yes, I predicted I would gain weight from the meds messing around with me.  Forty-five pounds and I am double my size...what bullshit just to fit in the Flatt World.  So I lost all my creativity and laughter, and gained a normal life of "fitting in" in which I am disabled and less fortunate than most.

 I feel so level that I could probably go get a job...Feed The Machine.  Why not.  Blah blah blatant cut off from the realms of me, that make it a life worth more than the dollar bill.  Can't decide which is better?  Can't even write a fantasy book with the meds working the way they do.  A block.  That's what is it is, a COMPLETE block of all spiritual and creative energy...and I find myself in such a state of wanting normal shit and to leave an exciting life behind.  Like blah work a job and give up on dreams...and be your normal "healthy" to everyone else "self."  Blah. I guess there is my opinion.