There is a place where I am understood, I am pretty sure of this. I know that my poem for Dragon made sense to me, very much...but it didn't to him. My love triangle is now just me alone, and more of an oblong shape of memories...and they go in a loop. It is scary. I know he loves me, and I love him, but of course this time has been too much for him. And why wouldn't it be? Why wouldn't I be? He hung in there for a long time, I am told. Realistically. A year is pretty good I suppose, for what we dealt with...for what I deal with. He is brave. Pretty good guy, and brave.
Sometimes I don't know where my own strength comes from...and then I think about God. I think about how he sustains me through intense hallucinations and fear, and I live through that...and I live through court cases and not even knowing if I am dreaming or awake anymore, and I live through that for a reason. I am reading a book about someone like me in the 1800's. Perceval was his name, and he was treated poorly. It is very nice to be reading about someone that understands me. It is a book about recovery from psychosis which is not commonly considered possibly, though no one has ever mentioned that to me until recently...I have always been the optimist. Because it is my life, right? And there has to be a reason. I have moments of clarity quite often, which the book states as a good thing. The next book I want to read is called "Bipolar, Or Waking Up?" I may have more time to delve into books now that I am single. I may have a lot more time to work on myself...or I may get nuttier, who knows? I don't.
The thing about psychosis is the way it feels real to me, feels like it should be real to everyone. It is much like my nightmares and dreams that I had for 17 years...and it feels like the end of the world, over and over. And a cycle of life, reborn and death. And then others are not perceiving what I do, and are going about there merry way. Everything has meaning and timing, and it is all timed perfectly...and sometimes the perfect timing scares me, and other times it fills me with joy in the Holy Spirit. I much prefer the timing that does not scare me, and to not see apparitions. You know when you start hallucinating peoples faces or bodies changing right in front of you. That is slightly intense.
But I do know however, that my fall is always broken somehow. God has a way of letting up on me and pulling me back into safety. It is a trust fall and I am growing. Like Dragon leaving me, when I know he is in love with me. It is for a reason, and not to hurt me. Apparitions are not to hurt me, but to teach me something about life, something important I need to know. Possibly something I already know but forget to put into practice. And sometimes I feel there is no things I could do, right or wrong to effect the outcomes, and sometimes its my every move that effects outcomes. A certain reprieve in my day is to know that God is ultimately the winner, and someday, somehow we will all end up with our loved ones, and in the same place at the same time, for all of eternity. If I don't believe that, then I would lose all hope. So the True North is love, and love is from God, and GOD IS LOVE.
There is a place we all align...I've written about it. I call it ConCord. An in utero home of sorts. And it is not a metal incubator...it is a real womb room...and we are all there. For MY FATHER's House has many mansions and rooms...and we are all gathered at the table with proper eating habits and manners, as well as balanced metabolism. Rooms. I am going to write my theory on room entering and etiquette, sometime soon.
Godlovesall2016...TBC
Sometimes I don't know where my own strength comes from...and then I think about God. I think about how he sustains me through intense hallucinations and fear, and I live through that...and I live through court cases and not even knowing if I am dreaming or awake anymore, and I live through that for a reason. I am reading a book about someone like me in the 1800's. Perceval was his name, and he was treated poorly. It is very nice to be reading about someone that understands me. It is a book about recovery from psychosis which is not commonly considered possibly, though no one has ever mentioned that to me until recently...I have always been the optimist. Because it is my life, right? And there has to be a reason. I have moments of clarity quite often, which the book states as a good thing. The next book I want to read is called "Bipolar, Or Waking Up?" I may have more time to delve into books now that I am single. I may have a lot more time to work on myself...or I may get nuttier, who knows? I don't.
The thing about psychosis is the way it feels real to me, feels like it should be real to everyone. It is much like my nightmares and dreams that I had for 17 years...and it feels like the end of the world, over and over. And a cycle of life, reborn and death. And then others are not perceiving what I do, and are going about there merry way. Everything has meaning and timing, and it is all timed perfectly...and sometimes the perfect timing scares me, and other times it fills me with joy in the Holy Spirit. I much prefer the timing that does not scare me, and to not see apparitions. You know when you start hallucinating peoples faces or bodies changing right in front of you. That is slightly intense.
But I do know however, that my fall is always broken somehow. God has a way of letting up on me and pulling me back into safety. It is a trust fall and I am growing. Like Dragon leaving me, when I know he is in love with me. It is for a reason, and not to hurt me. Apparitions are not to hurt me, but to teach me something about life, something important I need to know. Possibly something I already know but forget to put into practice. And sometimes I feel there is no things I could do, right or wrong to effect the outcomes, and sometimes its my every move that effects outcomes. A certain reprieve in my day is to know that God is ultimately the winner, and someday, somehow we will all end up with our loved ones, and in the same place at the same time, for all of eternity. If I don't believe that, then I would lose all hope. So the True North is love, and love is from God, and GOD IS LOVE.
There is a place we all align...I've written about it. I call it ConCord. An in utero home of sorts. And it is not a metal incubator...it is a real womb room...and we are all there. For MY FATHER's House has many mansions and rooms...and we are all gathered at the table with proper eating habits and manners, as well as balanced metabolism. Rooms. I am going to write my theory on room entering and etiquette, sometime soon.
Godlovesall2016...TBC