Will not set to task what I am to be doing!
My hands are not being obedient and I say I shall put this house in order right now and by obvious golly! They are so disobedient! And my house specifically my sleeping space has been in upheaval a month from selling my bedroom furniture and something in will not face putting away a mountain of clothes that no longer fit me!
Something in me today is so blatantly needy! I can't put a finger on no one! I can't hear back...I can't trust I can reach only silence on the other lines! Soo....God you must be telling me to get the funking shit done! Because I can't avoid this obvious home not home any more...it's still there! It did not turn into a fixer upper 1940's brick house! And yes I sold my shit to make the "new" house new. And I planned and pushed and never reaped it at all! Because I planned and pushed! And I pushed out the Big Guns and walked a dance around him to my own wants and ended up right here on my porch! And I can't take back my pushing! And I can't stop my fukn pushing even when I try I get manic and shove around delicate situations and might I add delicate humans.
And so I say I have a mental block of humility scattered to the ceiling in my duplex. A huge fat chunk of you were too trusting and then you pushed and pushed and fukn knocked over the fasciltator of what the funk was suppose to go down. Everyone says he buying a house for me was too good to be true? 1940 Brick house in the tree streets? Too good for me???
The truth is it wasn't my pay grade and it wasn't going to set me free or be free, for that matter. And the truth that's painful is I want my work to pay...my work is my writing...not flipping houses? And that dream was his dream, and he was a payer and paver...but I can't push that, nor do I understand how my fukn pushing and shoving, destroys my ability to face mountains I've already climbed over and over.
I said I've done that! I can do that! But what I cannot fukn do today is pull my head out my own ass and put shit away in my same little duplex...the one I called my princess home, and all of me that I had never had In one place, just two years ago.
And now it is no home to me.
And I wrote here, and loved here, and loved me for the first time in this house.
So God please make it home again. I ain't homeless!
My hands are not being obedient and I say I shall put this house in order right now and by obvious golly! They are so disobedient! And my house specifically my sleeping space has been in upheaval a month from selling my bedroom furniture and something in will not face putting away a mountain of clothes that no longer fit me!
Something in me today is so blatantly needy! I can't put a finger on no one! I can't hear back...I can't trust I can reach only silence on the other lines! Soo....God you must be telling me to get the funking shit done! Because I can't avoid this obvious home not home any more...it's still there! It did not turn into a fixer upper 1940's brick house! And yes I sold my shit to make the "new" house new. And I planned and pushed and never reaped it at all! Because I planned and pushed! And I pushed out the Big Guns and walked a dance around him to my own wants and ended up right here on my porch! And I can't take back my pushing! And I can't stop my fukn pushing even when I try I get manic and shove around delicate situations and might I add delicate humans.
And so I say I have a mental block of humility scattered to the ceiling in my duplex. A huge fat chunk of you were too trusting and then you pushed and pushed and fukn knocked over the fasciltator of what the funk was suppose to go down. Everyone says he buying a house for me was too good to be true? 1940 Brick house in the tree streets? Too good for me???
The truth is it wasn't my pay grade and it wasn't going to set me free or be free, for that matter. And the truth that's painful is I want my work to pay...my work is my writing...not flipping houses? And that dream was his dream, and he was a payer and paver...but I can't push that, nor do I understand how my fukn pushing and shoving, destroys my ability to face mountains I've already climbed over and over.
I said I've done that! I can do that! But what I cannot fukn do today is pull my head out my own ass and put shit away in my same little duplex...the one I called my princess home, and all of me that I had never had In one place, just two years ago.
And now it is no home to me.
And I wrote here, and loved here, and loved me for the first time in this house.
So God please make it home again. I ain't homeless!