Sometimes when I'm crazy, I just put men's cologne all over my body. The cologne is called Obsession. It makes me feel tough and strong to smell like a man. I am sitting here in my swim suit bottoms with the AC blowing straight at my tush. I would like to think that people care exactly what I'm doing at all times. But they don't. My family gets mad at me for having a bad attitude and not thinking positive… But for over a week I was in fact insane.
I don't know how I go through the stuff and survive. I don't understand it nor claim to. Something that kept me alive was looking the clinging vines together making an X, like a chromosome, and no matter how windy it got they would not pull apart. Every day I looked out my window and there those two Peapod like things were. I'm on sensory overload. Or I was, I should say. When people's faces change right before your eyes from younger to older, to completely different people…it's definitely a warp fuknhalf. I don't understand how people see this as a mental thing and how just a mind could do that to you?
I surely feel that it is spiritual, and something I'm supposed to learn from… And I am definitely definitely, supposed to quit smoking ASAP. I was shown a vision of myself inside out and my death look like the crypt… And I saw me there all wrinkled up. The psych ward also felt much like a game to me, something to figure out. More about that some other time.
And I cried. And I cried because I just wanted to be a mom. I just want to bake fuking cakes. I just want to push my kids on the swing, and raise them to know right from wrong. And just the icing on this is that I feel fully capable some times, you know to be a supermom? You know to be the mom that can afford her children because she works a full-time job and plays the single roll well? And I picked up my children from their dads yesterday, and I was full of life and ready, and today what have you the chemicals in my brain, or spiritual warfare… Have me Plastered on my bed. I did manage to make pancakes and eggs for breakfast. I did manage to lay in my bed and stare at the wall… While my mother and sister came to take my kids.
It wasn't so much that I didn't have the heart to be with them. I want to spend time with my boys… It was that I didn't have an ounce left of my soul energy.. The feeling of complete depletion. On top of it my own brother was calling me stupid for wanting to have them with me right now. I guess I threw the cart before the horse, because I missed them. And I think so I will be...OK. I forget that they need constant direction and discipline from me and I actually should be more rested, because that trip was like my brain on acid for two weeks.
I can forgive myself… Because I know that I didn't choose this for my life. For whatever reason everything has fallen apart. I sold my bedroom furniture… And spent the money on who knows what? I haven't paid my rent. My job offer to be a property manager, was not a contract. And days shortly after being let go from the treatment court, I was insane. Isn't it silly how often life seems to be going so well? Isn't it silly how fast it can go away… And everybody is just like well whatever?
Shouldn't about your hopes too high there, high horse? Shouldn't believe that you could try again? Shouldn't believe that someone would want to read your damn book? Shouldn't believe you're not always going to be sick?
Well I do believe in heaven and that there is a better place even here on earth. That's why to my shock and amazement when I got out of the psych ward and I had not reversed time, and everything was still as it was when I went in… That brought me great pain. I thought I had made a difference in the world. I thought I had done something important. I thought I had changed laws. No nothing had changed. I didn't reverse anything.
Although God is majestic and powerful, I humbly ask Him To Show His strength in my weakness...so that I can see my kids grow and bake cakes and swing on swings and eat gallons of ice cream and not care I've gained 30 pounds this year from medication.
And everyone just says what would you rather be fat or crazy? I guess it looks like I am.
I don't know how I go through the stuff and survive. I don't understand it nor claim to. Something that kept me alive was looking the clinging vines together making an X, like a chromosome, and no matter how windy it got they would not pull apart. Every day I looked out my window and there those two Peapod like things were. I'm on sensory overload. Or I was, I should say. When people's faces change right before your eyes from younger to older, to completely different people…it's definitely a warp fuknhalf. I don't understand how people see this as a mental thing and how just a mind could do that to you?
I surely feel that it is spiritual, and something I'm supposed to learn from… And I am definitely definitely, supposed to quit smoking ASAP. I was shown a vision of myself inside out and my death look like the crypt… And I saw me there all wrinkled up. The psych ward also felt much like a game to me, something to figure out. More about that some other time.
And I cried. And I cried because I just wanted to be a mom. I just want to bake fuking cakes. I just want to push my kids on the swing, and raise them to know right from wrong. And just the icing on this is that I feel fully capable some times, you know to be a supermom? You know to be the mom that can afford her children because she works a full-time job and plays the single roll well? And I picked up my children from their dads yesterday, and I was full of life and ready, and today what have you the chemicals in my brain, or spiritual warfare… Have me Plastered on my bed. I did manage to make pancakes and eggs for breakfast. I did manage to lay in my bed and stare at the wall… While my mother and sister came to take my kids.
It wasn't so much that I didn't have the heart to be with them. I want to spend time with my boys… It was that I didn't have an ounce left of my soul energy.. The feeling of complete depletion. On top of it my own brother was calling me stupid for wanting to have them with me right now. I guess I threw the cart before the horse, because I missed them. And I think so I will be...OK. I forget that they need constant direction and discipline from me and I actually should be more rested, because that trip was like my brain on acid for two weeks.
I can forgive myself… Because I know that I didn't choose this for my life. For whatever reason everything has fallen apart. I sold my bedroom furniture… And spent the money on who knows what? I haven't paid my rent. My job offer to be a property manager, was not a contract. And days shortly after being let go from the treatment court, I was insane. Isn't it silly how often life seems to be going so well? Isn't it silly how fast it can go away… And everybody is just like well whatever?
Shouldn't about your hopes too high there, high horse? Shouldn't believe that you could try again? Shouldn't believe that someone would want to read your damn book? Shouldn't believe you're not always going to be sick?
Well I do believe in heaven and that there is a better place even here on earth. That's why to my shock and amazement when I got out of the psych ward and I had not reversed time, and everything was still as it was when I went in… That brought me great pain. I thought I had made a difference in the world. I thought I had done something important. I thought I had changed laws. No nothing had changed. I didn't reverse anything.
Although God is majestic and powerful, I humbly ask Him To Show His strength in my weakness...so that I can see my kids grow and bake cakes and swing on swings and eat gallons of ice cream and not care I've gained 30 pounds this year from medication.
And everyone just says what would you rather be fat or crazy? I guess it looks like I am.