Yes, ok so fear. So I am not afraid of snakes or death. Nerves yes...I discussed this in the post entitled "Fear." But you see, I am afraid of putting my heart into something and having it fail. You see I worked my way in radiology up to a sponsored education in ultrasound and I failed. Could not stop partying for a great career. Fail. Saw Angels and Demons on the screen, when I would scan babies...not normal...a diagnostic failure at scanning babies. Degree, yes. Registry test negative.
Then I volunteered for two years for the City of Billings. Did so many good things to help the homeless...career launch? Yes! Then I had a psychosis 5 months pregnant and grand Mal seizure with it...followed by a beautiful baby, and a nasty divorce. Fail. Epic fail. Right?
Five years. Five fukn long years of hard ship shit. I am so tired! Damn 5 times in jail, 5 psychoses...and treated like a mass murderer for texting dude. Fail. Fuked up! Fail. Fail. Fail. And my kids? They have been through it all...what a strange world to come into? Fuk, Fail! And I tell my beautiful sons that mommy's tears and crazy story book will make money. How much they ask? And I say at least enough to go to Legoland babes, and they are just fine with that, because they have never been on a vacation. Fail.
God teaches you though right? When I was a little girl I hated my parents for being poor. I hated I never had what I wanted when I wanted it...so I never let myself fail at anything! I was hands down the best student, athlete and people pleasing child ever created! But then there was high school and beer and pot, and I was never the same. Fail. I was planning to be a doctor and fukn fail. I am poorer than my parents...no matter what I have achieved or try to wrestle from God and this world...I fail.
So that's why I am scared to believe in this property management position...because I have tried so fukn hard at life...over and over and over. And I know have a serious illness but it is impossible for me to lower my expectations of myself! I have tried and tried but I probably just have to have this amazing life, and not be worried how to pay the bills.
So I want this so bad! My investor understands I am not always well. But he is also seemingly fickle with decisions and timing which drives me absolutely bonkers. Like tell me what to do, I will have it done yesterday...but only if I am not hearing the nasty voices ok? Anyhow you see I have every reason in the world to be afraid of this venture. I mean a house is involved for me? Going off gov assistance to trust a relationship with a human, making big promises? Way fukn scary to me!
I know the Lord has plans to prosper me, and not harm me and that is what I have told myself through all this...I know there is a bounty of good waiting for me...I just know it. And it is ok if it is on the other side of 80...because God uses all this "fail" and makes it his beautiful story, with a heavenly ending right? And I get to smile and laugh all the time through the pain and disappointment somehow. I am not callous of this life. And I only have three years sober (almost) September 17th!!!
If God can change me this fast, into a total fukn stalker whack job believer in miracles...from a go getter, over achiever, never good enough, abused woman, then I say all the trust! All the love he put in my heart to trust and grow? Well that's fukn priceless! Amen to poverty and pain...somehow it's made me love me and know that milk tastes really really good when you don't guzzle it every day. And second hand clothes are way cooler to look through! And running on empty means walking, and listening to music on a nice walk is now my favorite thing to do! And being around all kinds of people not just the pretty ones? Well that has made me a much better human in general. I have learned so much from all this!
But now God...I am ready to take my babies to Legoland!!! Let's do this shit every which way and not call any of it "failing!!!" Wahoo!!! Keep telling you peeps wanting to get sober??? Yeah it's good shit!
Fo shizzle.
Then I volunteered for two years for the City of Billings. Did so many good things to help the homeless...career launch? Yes! Then I had a psychosis 5 months pregnant and grand Mal seizure with it...followed by a beautiful baby, and a nasty divorce. Fail. Epic fail. Right?
Five years. Five fukn long years of hard ship shit. I am so tired! Damn 5 times in jail, 5 psychoses...and treated like a mass murderer for texting dude. Fail. Fuked up! Fail. Fail. Fail. And my kids? They have been through it all...what a strange world to come into? Fuk, Fail! And I tell my beautiful sons that mommy's tears and crazy story book will make money. How much they ask? And I say at least enough to go to Legoland babes, and they are just fine with that, because they have never been on a vacation. Fail.
God teaches you though right? When I was a little girl I hated my parents for being poor. I hated I never had what I wanted when I wanted it...so I never let myself fail at anything! I was hands down the best student, athlete and people pleasing child ever created! But then there was high school and beer and pot, and I was never the same. Fail. I was planning to be a doctor and fukn fail. I am poorer than my parents...no matter what I have achieved or try to wrestle from God and this world...I fail.
So that's why I am scared to believe in this property management position...because I have tried so fukn hard at life...over and over and over. And I know have a serious illness but it is impossible for me to lower my expectations of myself! I have tried and tried but I probably just have to have this amazing life, and not be worried how to pay the bills.
So I want this so bad! My investor understands I am not always well. But he is also seemingly fickle with decisions and timing which drives me absolutely bonkers. Like tell me what to do, I will have it done yesterday...but only if I am not hearing the nasty voices ok? Anyhow you see I have every reason in the world to be afraid of this venture. I mean a house is involved for me? Going off gov assistance to trust a relationship with a human, making big promises? Way fukn scary to me!
I know the Lord has plans to prosper me, and not harm me and that is what I have told myself through all this...I know there is a bounty of good waiting for me...I just know it. And it is ok if it is on the other side of 80...because God uses all this "fail" and makes it his beautiful story, with a heavenly ending right? And I get to smile and laugh all the time through the pain and disappointment somehow. I am not callous of this life. And I only have three years sober (almost) September 17th!!!
If God can change me this fast, into a total fukn stalker whack job believer in miracles...from a go getter, over achiever, never good enough, abused woman, then I say all the trust! All the love he put in my heart to trust and grow? Well that's fukn priceless! Amen to poverty and pain...somehow it's made me love me and know that milk tastes really really good when you don't guzzle it every day. And second hand clothes are way cooler to look through! And running on empty means walking, and listening to music on a nice walk is now my favorite thing to do! And being around all kinds of people not just the pretty ones? Well that has made me a much better human in general. I have learned so much from all this!
But now God...I am ready to take my babies to Legoland!!! Let's do this shit every which way and not call any of it "failing!!!" Wahoo!!! Keep telling you peeps wanting to get sober??? Yeah it's good shit!
Fo shizzle.