Just a dose

For my life as a skit so find it...here goes nothing but a theory.  I always was.  Now often people in my family blame the pot use in high school.  My last poem, and my first born child show me different.  You see, my mom told me I behaved just like Brayden, when I was a child???  No, Brayden is severely gifted in so many areas...and yes he freaks out on a whim...and whines and jumps up in down in temper.  Wants everything and is never satisfied. Only in my own poverty, post divorce and psychosis have I found that I don't have to get everything I want to be happy.

It was never just one, I always needed two of something, as if I had a starving twin inside of me.  And I did, "never enough" she said!  Negative at every turn, either the situation, or the need was never met.  Confusion about my place in the world, or my stature struggle is "Brayden!"  All or nothing, the prince or the pauper, and never remembering all the good I have done for him, and the fun we have had, but the negative, and the "no love" effect.  I could never remember any praise for more than a day...my accolades piled up, but I always had to push further, and if I wasn't the best...I was nothing.  An absolute zero, and so I shoved my way to the top of pretty much anything I would do...like a everything was a competition.  And I believe it was because of all the negative chatter I heard around me.  Some was real for sure, but the rest were those voices.

I recall performing hurdles at a youth Olympics with my Aunt watching, maybe age ten or eleven.  I lept over every hurdle like a first time pro, never having been into athleticism before.  Well when she snapped the picture it was as if all eyes were on me, and missed the hurdle.  She noticed and seemingly I had done such a thing on purpose, but no it was my nerves. My nerves come from insecurity beyond what others face, because in that moment with the camera every eye was on me.  She asked me why I always did that to myself.  This is the epicNehus of my failure...can you imagine the sheer fear of that sensation that all eyes are watching your every move as a child?  For me it has expanded into the entire universe watching me.  I have learned how to perform in those times and recognize the feelings I am having, are untrue.

But what of a schizophrenic child? I played alone alot.  Huge imagination.  So when hurled into popularity in high school and hear all these negative things about me, I turned to alcohol.  Now I recall being very confused about who I was as a child, but I did know that I was a good kid.  Good grades and an over achiever...and that all swept away in high school.  But the negative voices and taunting never did.  How much was real and how much was in my head I will never know, but it did shape me into quite the drunk!  This was a way to cope and a way to blend in.

So I do not think it was all onset from pot use.  I do believe I was prone to this gift...and that I am getting closer to being its master.  And I think the reason it is now is that I must prepare to handle it in my own son.  It is interesting how God is putting this all together for me...in his timing I should never be disappointed.