So we had broken up. And it was only after we broke up, that I recognized my feelings for him were very strong. I texted him a couple times… A couple meaning...maybe more than a couple. He wanted me to stop, he was angry. My friend Aunna told me to write to him if I missed him, instead of text him.
For a month I had been melancholy, but once I began to write to him daily I was filled with life! I began taking better care of myself than I ever had in my life. I was going to do this program thing, and do it like no other. And yes I do, do it like no other! The writing started out very simplistic...I like your hair… I like your abs… I didn't drink today because I wrote to you instead… I wish I could talk to you, but I am being strong. Today I miss you, but I didn't text you. Aw shit a month went by...I am so in love with you. I see you at meetings, I don't know what you're thinking… So I will write about what I think, you're thinking.
I try to get interested in other guys. Nothing works. I am in enamored. The way you walk, the way you talk, and every memory of you, gives me a tickling feeling in my tummy. I have never had these sensations before… Like ever. I am like a teenager. I feel very healthy and happy. I come home after meetings and time with friends at Denny's, just to tell you about my day. I am very normal at this point. Except for that, as stated I had never had excited feelings for a man draw physicality in me before...
This was obviously a non-issue to me at that time. Not a train wreck coming? For five months I wrote to him. And I don't think I texted him all that much because the whole point, was for me to leave him alone. All in all that period of sobriety was amazing and tasted like the good life. And then it all went south, But I kept writing to him.
My book is 319 pages A word document, still needing editing. It follows me through a journey of psychosis, A story of which was linear, and began when I was 18. I had four psychotic events randomly in 16 years. After I met Adam I have had five big ones, followed by a few hiccups. I am not saying this is his fault, I am saying what I have been through is amazing!
To randomly start writing a guy? God is in all of this! It fits the pieces of my life together, like a puzzle with a full picture. I don't even know how to describe how incredible, the things I have seen in my mind. I haven't even begun to delve into all of the psychoses. My first book describes my first experience with a heaven psychosis. The most positive and affirming experience of my entire life. The one where everything is restored to me, and I am made whole. Adam represented my soul mate in this experience. This was the time he was terrified for his life. And this is when I earned a felony.
And I don't think I would change it. This is what people don't understand about me. A lot of people have zero comprehension, of why I would be okay, that I have a felony. I do not glorify it… But I will use it as a platform. A starting point, of my new existence. I am signing up for a peer writing workshop in the fall…moving in and direction to get published. I know that God had me wait for some time for a reason. Also I've been completely unmotivated to do anything to be discovered besides have a blog, post book. Also I have been told my likelihood of being discovered in Montana is Neil to nine, LOL. I think being discovered too fast could have been deadly for me honestly.
So that is a little history to my book. I wrapped up my book and June 2014, with the things I had learned from the experience thus far. I started this blog in July 2014. When people read my blog they say they're having a hard time understanding my book. I want to sell my book not give it away for free. I like that they're confused as heck! Curiosity kills my kitty too! And also know that my book is chronological and a story that is readable. I do talk about things in my book that are not on my blog, for some reason I wanted to tell Adam all about my life growing up and my family and just wanted him to get to know me. Heaven knows why but I felt the need to tell somebody. And God chose him for me. And in all this I felt I knew him too. My plan in writing it was to give it just to him to read on my one year sobriety birthday...and now it is so much more to me! I don't really know him per se'. But I know his soul. And we have come a long way together. And if that is creepy, so be it.
Please be looking forward to the release of my first book "Fairytale of a Fell On Knee Stalker." I am wanting to focus on the second book, which a part of Chapter 5, is on my blog. It is called "The Note." This book is very exciting to me as it is based on characters in reality from my first book, and goes back generations in our families... involves politics, genetics and the legal sector. And much of it is from my imagination that I lost from childhood. LOL, no I have not! I know I have said I want to back away from the blog many times, but I am going to try to have some fortitude, because I want to make a living doing this and this is all free work. So Goodbye for now!