General Info
I have lost every person in my life I have ever gotten close to, that's what it is like.
I am sweet, charming, adorable, witty, smart and beautiful for two months to a few years to 10 years...and then I am too much!
Talk about abandonment issues.
That's why I understand bag ladies...I basically am one. Just maybe more coherent 90 percent of the time...I guess that is lucky! But seriously any person no matter how close, or how we met, and bonded is no longer in my life, including some family.
"They" call it poor choices.
If I had one dollar, yes one dollar for every person that has adored me at first and then turned their back on me, yes I would be a millionaire. I am very easy to get close to, and make friends easily, like no other...um I am done with that though.
Along with mental illness for me, I always have something "going on." No matter how I try to be chill, much like a curse things are always happening to me, from getting run over by a car...to mild frustrations as to getting like 20 parking tickets in the past year from parking downtown. I always pay the meter, unless like yesterday I just space it out...but I don't get away with anything. This helps me with being a painfully honest person, I don't get away with anything. But yeah always, always something going on with me, and this tires people out! I am learning to just hold it all inside and let the friends I do have now, talk about their problems, because you add my real life drama to my illness drama, and I am nothing but walking, talking drama!
I can't hold down a job. Whether it's I woke up hearing voices in the early am, and now I feel weird, or I am drowsy from night terrors (past) or I am starting to crossover and am freaked. Now like I said this is about 10 percent of the time, so at 90 I function like a rock star and spin circles, so no boss understands how I can go from highly efficient to needing to go home sick...or not showing up at all.
Inconsistent, and irresponsible.
So that leads me to how I feel about being worthless to my society. As I have said I am disabled and on SSI. I am worth $846 a month just to keep breathing. I feel guilt for this pension. I am called lazy, I am reduced to begging, mooching, and borrowing in the past three years...when once I made it all work, because I am a go getter, I am used to having my own money. It is painful when you can't take care of yourself, when you are used to it. People's words are cruel. "Oh you are not really sick, just get a job!" Just anything Miranda, who cares you are smart and educated, just go work at McDonald's. "I can't do those kind of jobs," I say. And they laugh and say that's just your pride...um no its not a matter of pride...I would last a half day In most environments that require human interaction and speed..
I get no respect for any accomplishment made in my life. Its all about what is going on now...and that I am ill now. As if I haven't done shit with my life! I have done amazing shit! And continue to do so!!! I am talented and I love writing! People laugh that I want to be a writer! Do I not have tons of shit to write about? Do I not have a cool life story? I mean give me some fukn credit, holy crap! I can't work a real job, but I have this! Isn't that more than alot of people? It certainly is my dream now and well F off people in this town that don't even bother to read my blog before they laugh!!!
Sorry I am mad, and my back hurts so I will finish this randomness later. Oh yeah my back is disabled too, besides my brain. Go figure!
I have lost every person in my life I have ever gotten close to, that's what it is like.
I am sweet, charming, adorable, witty, smart and beautiful for two months to a few years to 10 years...and then I am too much!
Talk about abandonment issues.
That's why I understand bag ladies...I basically am one. Just maybe more coherent 90 percent of the time...I guess that is lucky! But seriously any person no matter how close, or how we met, and bonded is no longer in my life, including some family.
"They" call it poor choices.
If I had one dollar, yes one dollar for every person that has adored me at first and then turned their back on me, yes I would be a millionaire. I am very easy to get close to, and make friends easily, like no other...um I am done with that though.
Along with mental illness for me, I always have something "going on." No matter how I try to be chill, much like a curse things are always happening to me, from getting run over by a car...to mild frustrations as to getting like 20 parking tickets in the past year from parking downtown. I always pay the meter, unless like yesterday I just space it out...but I don't get away with anything. This helps me with being a painfully honest person, I don't get away with anything. But yeah always, always something going on with me, and this tires people out! I am learning to just hold it all inside and let the friends I do have now, talk about their problems, because you add my real life drama to my illness drama, and I am nothing but walking, talking drama!
I can't hold down a job. Whether it's I woke up hearing voices in the early am, and now I feel weird, or I am drowsy from night terrors (past) or I am starting to crossover and am freaked. Now like I said this is about 10 percent of the time, so at 90 I function like a rock star and spin circles, so no boss understands how I can go from highly efficient to needing to go home sick...or not showing up at all.
Inconsistent, and irresponsible.
So that leads me to how I feel about being worthless to my society. As I have said I am disabled and on SSI. I am worth $846 a month just to keep breathing. I feel guilt for this pension. I am called lazy, I am reduced to begging, mooching, and borrowing in the past three years...when once I made it all work, because I am a go getter, I am used to having my own money. It is painful when you can't take care of yourself, when you are used to it. People's words are cruel. "Oh you are not really sick, just get a job!" Just anything Miranda, who cares you are smart and educated, just go work at McDonald's. "I can't do those kind of jobs," I say. And they laugh and say that's just your pride...um no its not a matter of pride...I would last a half day In most environments that require human interaction and speed..
I get no respect for any accomplishment made in my life. Its all about what is going on now...and that I am ill now. As if I haven't done shit with my life! I have done amazing shit! And continue to do so!!! I am talented and I love writing! People laugh that I want to be a writer! Do I not have tons of shit to write about? Do I not have a cool life story? I mean give me some fukn credit, holy crap! I can't work a real job, but I have this! Isn't that more than alot of people? It certainly is my dream now and well F off people in this town that don't even bother to read my blog before they laugh!!!
Sorry I am mad, and my back hurts so I will finish this randomness later. Oh yeah my back is disabled too, besides my brain. Go figure!