Sign if I Can't

Oh the search the world over to just be plain.
Knocked out, deflated cuz I am the same.
You see I think I have grown so much...
And so twelve steps matter?
You are this and that, and so unlikable.
Change this, change that...no one wants to be...
Close to you.
No wonder I just want to hide in the hills and be done.
Three years of effort and nothing's become.
Surely negative thoughts...
Surely it's a long shot.
Up against the odds...nothing I offer.
Laughing at my dreams,
Forcing exam of ludicrous stories,
That are my hope!
And sister says she can't have a job.
And mother says achieve something,
Raise healthy sons...that is all you should do.
And I say with what money besides my dreams?
So this family meeting turned, tear me apart...
Says too much effort waisted on my stars.
Says accept disability.
Says humility.
Need less of me...obviously.
I am overwhelmed by what to do.
And what do you want God?
My thoughts are so loud I cannot hear your voice.