Fantasy DrainBramage

Because I don't want to love anyone else.
That's why.
Because my last thought is to love my dead best friend,
Rather than to not love the Adam I make up in my head.
Real man could be sick and disgusting for all I know.
I don't want to think of him like that but I really don't know.
I am some real twisted shit, and frankly I would rather not involve the heart of any man.
Except Adam.
See that's a lot of pressure.
And he is my character, right?
If I think I can know someone's soul inside and out and walk the plank for him for two years,
Well I must be gifted and unique, because I see no other normal people willing to do that?
If I stop believing in my fairy tale though,
I think I would slowly flitter to 6 feet under.

Don't dreams in your heart and soul suffice to keep the least of these?
Will one day the confusion of all this take me down?
I am so deep and complex and I so do not want to settle for less,
Than who I fukn made him to be to me.
That is terrible and how ever did all this happen?

A lonely sick girl attaches to a man and creates an entire fukn world of non reality?
I don't understand...
I don't get this damage.,,I mean yes it is a spiritual thing, a God thing... But why me?
Oh Holy God, what are you going to do with this?
It's too big too big. I don't see an end.

I am afraid for Adam, that he is not well. This is all too intense and scary. I want him to understand but I don't even understand. I would never hurt him, but maybe I hurt him by my imagination? There is such a separation now and he never gave me permission!

Just because I think it would be tits to be a character in a book, maybe he hates it?  I cannot even fathom being in his shoes with this or how he feels.  This is heavy crazy shit!!! A real burden he never asked for...

Idk how to step away from this when writing these books is what I want to do...I can't like just contact him and see how he feels about it because it's illegal.  I want to offer him severance and a percentage in the series, but I don't have a fukn clue for a long ass time how he feels or what would be fair? Maybe he deserves half?  Yeah have not had a conversation on over two years about how he has been through all this..he probably needs therapy too. Ah fuk, brains damaged man!!!

I am a selfish biatch, and if my heart wasn't in the right place with this that would be enough guilt for hurting another to die over. I am sorry that I don't know what the hell I am doing to another person other than following my own heart. I can't just check with him and say dude is it cool that I believe in other worlds where you are a badass MF and about to inherit the oceans of the world? Yes that would sound super psycho.. But it's all there how it all happens in the best fukn story book I have ever written, and I would have never written it without Adam!

So does glory and gratefulness in my reality outweigh his pain in his reality?
I guess the future will tell.