Totally dangerous that I can now read my entire book into this phone. Going to refrain but here is a little selection
March 21 2013
March 21 2013
I didn't know how often I was going to feel the need to talk to you. I really wanted to see you at Chef tonight. I am worried you're not sober and that all my crazy shit made you drink. I think of you drinking out at bars and other girls there… And I just hate the thought of that. Makes me worried sick, that I pushed you over the edge. Give me a sick feeling way down, when I don't see that you are safe, and I don't know how you are. I am not going to check on you, because I know just how much I need to leave you alone right now. God I wish I was healthy! I want nothing more than to be healthy enough for a relationship… But I should never have subjected you to my craziness in the first place. I should have more respect for someone I love and never let them see me like this. I know this… I recognize that I am sick… And that I shouldn't be with anyone right now I am frustrated with my behavior towards you… My immaturity, just frustrates the shit out of me. I want to grow up so bad! I have lived so much of my life with the emotional maturity of a 15-year-old,..and I just can't take anymore of life that way. Also I decided tonight that my drunk personality was not so much better and that my false bravado was really not so attractive as I always thought. Being the loudest and the funniest and the smartest and the sexiest was all in my head and it was all empty. What I really desire to be now is graceful. I just want to be myself and walk in grace and not have to be any certain way. I am tired of telling myself that I am unacceptable if I get nervous. I have drank to avoid that feeling for 19 years. I just can't take the consequences of avoiding that feeling anymore. I just need to be okay that I get like that sometimes. God I miss you. I really wish you would just show up at my doorstep right now Yep uh huh. It's good for me to be alone… I need to figure this shit out, or I will be of no use to myself or anyone else for that matter. It's hard to look at myself and admit how weak I have let alcohol make me. I really think it did a total number on my character…like I have MORPHED into a completely different person because of being an add dick,. I just didn't turn out right… That's hard. I recognize it though and want to do something about it for the first time in my life. At this point I have no other choice. I really hope you are sober. I would never want to hurt you like that. I am sad tonight. I am wearing your gray T-shirt to bed. I miss our chemistry.
An hour later. I really don't want to settle for anything less than my heart skipping a beat just from seeing you. There is excitement there that I haven't felt for a very long time… Like maybe since junior high… Like when I was innocent. Like before I drank so much and made real emotions like this go away. I don't know why exactly you have this effect on me maybe it is not sensible? Is it just a crush?maybe it's part of my add dick son to you? I don't know. Eric was over today and help me put together my TV stand he would be a sensible choice. And he won't stop no matter how sick I tell him I am, he still just keeps adoring me. He won't tell me no for any reason. I don't feel anything with him… I don't want to settle for anything less than what I feel with you. I told him to leave me alone tonight. I can't handle him wanting to be with me… Because I feed on it. I don't want to be sick like that and give him the idea that I want to be more than friends. I just told him I couldn't hang out with him anymore and to give me some space. I really hope he leaves me alone in that I leave him alone too… Our friendship is not working for me. I think he is going to try to kiss me one of these days and I would seriously be a bitch and push him away… I don't need this type of friendship right now. I am going to go stretch and watch my new big TV for the first time,goodnight.
March 22, 2013
Fudge! Instead of leaving me alone, Eric decides to tell me he is in love with me. This is not good. I warned him and told him so many times, just friends WTF! I told him I was in love with you and that even if you didn't want me at my year or ever… I was going to be faithful to what I feel for you. I told him and you make my heart skip a beat and make me feel young and that you were all the things I want. I don't have that for him… And it was hard to tell him that. I feel terrible for him. I also feel like maybe I'm just a stupid girl for wanting you. What if you don't feel the same? What if you are with someone else when I get my year?
I hate hurting people. I know what it feels like I hate it. I don't even know how to cope with what hurtful bitch I feel like right now. Sometimes I just want to get drunk and be alone again. I have so many new relationships in my life because of recovery it gets overwhelming… And I'm still messed up and I don't always do the right things. I am trying to grow up in front of all these people and it is painful… For me… For them. I just want to stop doing damage. I can't believe I told him to leave me alone, and he replied with I love you. And then I stopped to think, that you asked me to leave you alone… And I did the same damn thing! So what the heck?
I realized today that I am being faithful to just a feeling I have, you have given me no reason to believe you feel the same. It hit me though that I have never been true to my feelings… Because I've never trusted them.
I had to leave the meeting. I'm worried sick to my stomach about you. You haven't been there. It's not even thinking about you with other girls. I am just worried that you're not okay. And I told you that I haven't felt this way for a very, very long time. I felt this way about Jake Black My best friend in the sixth grade. I loved him with all my heart. He was the most popular jock in sixth grade and he was best friends with me… I was a nerdy,stringy haired scraggly little smart girl. I didn't get to grow up with him because we move to Laurel. I didn't see him again until my 20s. The last night I saw him we were at a bar. he came up to me and grab my hand at closing time… He begged me to go home with them… Begged me to just go home and talk to him. I told my best friend no… Because I loved him so much I didn't want to chance ruining it with sex. He is dead. He killed himself shortly after that. If I could take back one night in my entire messed up life… I would tell him A million times yes. A billion times. I loved him.
Then I loved Bart. Seventh-grade he was nice to me in math. Everyone in that school had rejected me the first six months. I crushed hard. I loved him too. I told him I liked him and eighth-grade… And he never stop teasing me. He was cruel. He and his whole group of friends and my cost made fun of me relentlessly all through high school. I did get over him when I was a freshman and started hanging out with older guys. I did feel that pure, sweet and innocent passion for him for a long time though. He was an alcoholic… The last time I talk to him he was trying to stay sober. I told him to try to program… He said the program was stupid. He died last summer. I am so worried. I want to see you. I want to know your okay. I just have no idea where you are at. Please don't leave me. I don't think you're like that though… God I hope not. Those boys were really, really fudging great people and they left this world. I think I am hyperventilating right now...I don't like this at all. I don't know what to do about this, I can't stop crying. I want to be calm. I want to know your safe. Sitting home playing your guitar… Something safe. Maybe making me a belt. This is killing me. I want to find you right now. But I have to trust God...you are okay. I just want to tell you everything right now… I don't want to have to worry anymore, but I know that won't work for us. I hate being this afraid for you. So far this is the hardest day for me to not text you. I won't. I got to dry my eyes and get my kids. I don't know why I love you this much.
Got my kiddos and held it together. I am such a better mom sober… That alone is all I need to keep it. I think it is a beautiful thing when I can cry. I haven't had real tears left into years. Good night.
I realized today that I am being faithful to just a feeling I have, you have given me no reason to believe you feel the same. It hit me though that I have never been true to my feelings… Because I've never trusted them.
I had to leave the meeting. I'm worried sick to my stomach about you. You haven't been there. It's not even thinking about you with other girls. I am just worried that you're not okay. And I told you that I haven't felt this way for a very, very long time. I felt this way about Jake Black My best friend in the sixth grade. I loved him with all my heart. He was the most popular jock in sixth grade and he was best friends with me… I was a nerdy,stringy haired scraggly little smart girl. I didn't get to grow up with him because we move to Laurel. I didn't see him again until my 20s. The last night I saw him we were at a bar. he came up to me and grab my hand at closing time… He begged me to go home with them… Begged me to just go home and talk to him. I told my best friend no… Because I loved him so much I didn't want to chance ruining it with sex. He is dead. He killed himself shortly after that. If I could take back one night in my entire messed up life… I would tell him A million times yes. A billion times. I loved him.
Then I loved Bart. Seventh-grade he was nice to me in math. Everyone in that school had rejected me the first six months. I crushed hard. I loved him too. I told him I liked him and eighth-grade… And he never stop teasing me. He was cruel. He and his whole group of friends and my cost made fun of me relentlessly all through high school. I did get over him when I was a freshman and started hanging out with older guys. I did feel that pure, sweet and innocent passion for him for a long time though. He was an alcoholic… The last time I talk to him he was trying to stay sober. I told him to try to program… He said the program was stupid. He died last summer. I am so worried. I want to see you. I want to know your okay. I just have no idea where you are at. Please don't leave me. I don't think you're like that though… God I hope not. Those boys were really, really fudging great people and they left this world. I think I am hyperventilating right now...I don't like this at all. I don't know what to do about this, I can't stop crying. I want to be calm. I want to know your safe. Sitting home playing your guitar… Something safe. Maybe making me a belt. This is killing me. I want to find you right now. But I have to trust God...you are okay. I just want to tell you everything right now… I don't want to have to worry anymore, but I know that won't work for us. I hate being this afraid for you. So far this is the hardest day for me to not text you. I won't. I got to dry my eyes and get my kids. I don't know why I love you this much.
Got my kiddos and held it together. I am such a better mom sober… That alone is all I need to keep it. I think it is a beautiful thing when I can cry. I haven't had real tears left into years. Good night.
