Hope is in your hands...

So I was cordially invited to get interested in my doll house again after it sitting for a month when the initial excitement and finances to do so? wore off...Spendy little hobby.  To my shock and horror this afternoon after we had some playmates over for Evan, two little native girls, one wrote her name on my house! Well first I saw that the deck which was just fine as is, had been painted with my trim color. The last time I paid attention to it I had started putting masking tape around the trim so that when I painted the whole house it wouldn't get on the trim. That's not like me, I always want to just get to it. Leave the fine-tune work out, get to the end. I want to see the end result, before I take the steps.

This led me to the revelation, that I don't really use my hands for much. I rely on the talent in my mind. Sure I can type like a wizard, and let it all rollout, but what are the talents of my hands? I played the violin fifth and sixth grade, then we move to a town with no orchestra available for free, and that hand talent slipped away. My mother is the craftiest woman in the world,and I just shrug and say I can't ever be that good as a crafter, and I get frustrated to even try. I can't be happy or satisfied with my talents that are different than other people, until have completely mastered what I think something should be or look like to be the best. And I say this in hindsight, because that was the old me! Now when I saw that little girls name on my dollhouse, My Little girl dream that I never had, I boldly reclaimed that I Would master something with my hands and do the best with it that I can and let that be good enough. It is extremely intricate work that I have chosen. This detail and undertaking, is going to take more patience then I have ever tried to accumulate in my life! If I'm not awesome at something pretty much in five minutes I used to claim it wasn't for me.

So then I had this whole revelation, about doing things with your hands… Not doing with your mind, but actually setting to task the things you envision, not even knowing what the end result will be and or setting a pace so slow that the tedious work actually is relaxing. This is a foreign concept to me, putting your hands to something to come to a goal which is unknown. Possibly making mistakes, having regrets about the type of paint chosen, or whether to have bricks or stone for the foundation. Also taking into consideration that I gutted the 80s interior… Which someone else had put their heart into, but if I was trapped in the 80's, then I  couldn't claim it was all my work...even though putting together this type of kit is the real deal. Not redecorating right?

Sometimes you have to go back, and take back your talent. In my hands there has been a lot, and also a lot squandered… But hands are giving, aren't they! I don't always line up everything perfectly, and little things that I want to be proud of often times, I tried to make into a big show. I always want the high-five from your hand, to tell me you like what I've done with my house. I need you to be proud of the way I built this house with my hands… Even though my hands manipulated, and sat in my lap, while I use my brain to run circles around obvious opportunities. Building a foundation, is hindsight for me. I purchased electricity tape, And a lamp...but really don't know how to do it. So I asked for help from dudes LOL. And pretty much as lame as that is to try and make a dude into your dollhouse with zero prospect of ownership, ROI, or reciprocity of favors and so on... The electrical tape as well as my rock masonry kit has just been waiting for the right kind of superhero! But why??? This is mine!

So...it's my intuition that my life has been like a male Holocaust...and shouldn't I have figured out by now, how to be an electrician? Or a mason? Or maybe a truck driver? Or possibly if I can get by with it I could be a roofer, if my back would hold out...May be the time I spent in radiology would pay off if I just knew enough about the body, to be able to play a doctor on a TV show LOL. And I would definitely be the one to out wit and outsmart the male doctor. Just saying I am competitive against the opposite sex, with my mind. But can I labor and toil, besides labor and delivery? Can I carefully, and safely cook with oil without it splattering and burning me? These are things I have no faith in, because I am not hand person I am a brain person.  Therefore the transition from my mind to my hands becomes a separation. I consider myself multitalented and a Jacqui of all trades, all of which speak loudly of my lack of a father figure. Or at least the closeness and bond that you would get from having that masculine side to you in talents. Don't get me wrong I can catch a football, like a dude...for reals. Athlete...with freakish hand eye coordination that freakishly wains depending on my confidence level at the given moment...God builds people different for a purpose, and sadly to admit I am not handy Mandy LOL, but to completely discount that I can do 1 million things that you cant do, haha.

So to balance this all out I challenge myself to completely make my project my own and the dollhouse will no longer look for a man to teach how to accomplish tasks, that a Shemale is perfectly capable of! Of course it'll take longer to have to read about stuff and how to do it instead of just having someone help you, and ultrasound school I had a friend tell me she didn't want to speak spoonfeed me what she had already read, I didn't read the books… I just listened in class because I am a sponge.that really hits home to me Until this day. She dropped me as a study partner go figure!  Brains can be lazy and manipulative if given the chance you know!

The body should be in equilibrium with the mind, to be at one's full capacity put the hands to work, and SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

So if you want to know at any given time where your life is going just look down and see what your hands are up to. And write now I am right off point...so that's a wrap for the night. Of course.