And then I remember this prayer. I prayed everyday the first year for Adam, and if I wasnt suppose to love him that God would remove him from me. And I prayed that our relationship would be what God would have it to be. My relationship with a man on paper has evolved my life in ways unimaniginable. This is love God created in me to bestow on another person, beyond the love I have felt for any other human. Love does good things. Today in conversation with my psychologist, he told me point blank, that the real man you wrote your story about "is not your friend." I took in a deep breath, did not say a word and just let that sink in, and burst into tears. I really have made all this up...I dont know how or why, but it was God led. I trust it was to heal me to feel this love. Unconditional to whether real man wants it...and unknowing how I created him into my Adam.
I sense a sorrow in real man. I hear he is unwell...or looks unwell. He is always alone. And me...I say, I can heal him and help him...but the fact of it is he doesnt want that. Its all been what I have wanted and my delusions and psychosis creating fantasy around him to the point where I have this huge story based on a character, I am sure any real man would be terrfied to live up to. I also dont know how I have sustained memories of his movements, his gentleness, voice, walk...when I have not been near him for two years. I had a memory of just the way he gifted my Zander with a little catnip mouse...and I dont understand these little memories not letting go, when the reality is he is clearly an asshole. Not my friend. Afraid of me. I feel sorry for him. I dont know what to believe...my story, or what everyone tells me to be true...they say he hates me. Why hate love? Strangebirds we are. And he is a drunk now...well that is certainly not an Adam standard, and doesnt it cheapen the story that I stayed sober through all of it, and then possibly drove him to drink? Anyway just found out the other day, he was dating my sponsors daughter the whole time, so its probably not my fault they were drinking. No one ever told me, and I wonder just how different this whole story would be if I had known that? But I guess I was allowed my fantasy all that time for me...a time of healing, growth, and becoming an author, with a kickass psychological love story!
I created an entire world for some reason. For some reason I needed to. A cacoon maybe...because I do feel like a butterfly. Half freakshow, half butterfly. And the guy I have been seeing told me I was "adorable" tonight...he is really sweet and I am not being fair to him, because I think this story is bigger...more important than reality? I literally told him we should take a break so I would get back into writing my second book...which is all about the spiritual realm, me...Adam. Well maybe I should live in the now. Be fully present with someone who is interested in me? That would probably serve fair. I have been so not investing heart into anything but this for so long, and well I am getting afraid it wont be the next Twilight series, and I wont make me and Adam millionaires...and maybe I dream life alcoholically. From rags to riches, all because I believed in some handsome felon. Maybe. Maybe not...I mean I think that once my book is professionally edited it could get big. I think just having psychosis is enough to write a book about, but no this involved a love story and and a spiritual psychosis with visions and memories that were not mine...of Adam and past lives! What a freakin trip! Dang I do not know how frickin cool this is, but I think it is pretty cool, lol!
But I dont know. Could just date this other dude, forget drunk Adam? My pirate? Seems he shipwrecked. This town is too small for me to eccentrically write these stories for the next five years...everyone says get a job...be normal. I dont want to be like everyone else....just saying, why try to be? I dont know what I am going to do because I really want to write, but living on disability is very difficult. And I def lose my 2nd book writing juju while dating someone else, both time and fantasy are absorbed.
In a meeting a guy talked about the way things are. If all this was suppose to be different, it would be. If Adam was my soulmate, maybe it wasnt meant to be for this lifetime. Maybe just the energy he produces in me is exactly what is was suppose to be. If things were different than they are, where would I be today? Certainly not the butterfly with open wings at the edge of my life...living in victory. And maybe I wouldnt have thousands of pages of writing about my recovery and first love...and coming out about my spiritual illness...I wouldnt have done all that??? And so I have a record of this time...even if it ends up just for me, something I can treasure and remember as a time I lived to the fullest, and forgot to be afraid.
So I dont know if I would do anything different. A writer that makes up characters and is delusional? I dont think I am so unique! Is it so silly to think I could make a lving as a writer? That would be so sweet! Certainly God brought all this out of me for a reason!!!
It will be as it will be!
I sense a sorrow in real man. I hear he is unwell...or looks unwell. He is always alone. And me...I say, I can heal him and help him...but the fact of it is he doesnt want that. Its all been what I have wanted and my delusions and psychosis creating fantasy around him to the point where I have this huge story based on a character, I am sure any real man would be terrfied to live up to. I also dont know how I have sustained memories of his movements, his gentleness, voice, walk...when I have not been near him for two years. I had a memory of just the way he gifted my Zander with a little catnip mouse...and I dont understand these little memories not letting go, when the reality is he is clearly an asshole. Not my friend. Afraid of me. I feel sorry for him. I dont know what to believe...my story, or what everyone tells me to be true...they say he hates me. Why hate love? Strangebirds we are. And he is a drunk now...well that is certainly not an Adam standard, and doesnt it cheapen the story that I stayed sober through all of it, and then possibly drove him to drink? Anyway just found out the other day, he was dating my sponsors daughter the whole time, so its probably not my fault they were drinking. No one ever told me, and I wonder just how different this whole story would be if I had known that? But I guess I was allowed my fantasy all that time for me...a time of healing, growth, and becoming an author, with a kickass psychological love story!
I created an entire world for some reason. For some reason I needed to. A cacoon maybe...because I do feel like a butterfly. Half freakshow, half butterfly. And the guy I have been seeing told me I was "adorable" tonight...he is really sweet and I am not being fair to him, because I think this story is bigger...more important than reality? I literally told him we should take a break so I would get back into writing my second book...which is all about the spiritual realm, me...Adam. Well maybe I should live in the now. Be fully present with someone who is interested in me? That would probably serve fair. I have been so not investing heart into anything but this for so long, and well I am getting afraid it wont be the next Twilight series, and I wont make me and Adam millionaires...and maybe I dream life alcoholically. From rags to riches, all because I believed in some handsome felon. Maybe. Maybe not...I mean I think that once my book is professionally edited it could get big. I think just having psychosis is enough to write a book about, but no this involved a love story and and a spiritual psychosis with visions and memories that were not mine...of Adam and past lives! What a freakin trip! Dang I do not know how frickin cool this is, but I think it is pretty cool, lol!
But I dont know. Could just date this other dude, forget drunk Adam? My pirate? Seems he shipwrecked. This town is too small for me to eccentrically write these stories for the next five years...everyone says get a job...be normal. I dont want to be like everyone else....just saying, why try to be? I dont know what I am going to do because I really want to write, but living on disability is very difficult. And I def lose my 2nd book writing juju while dating someone else, both time and fantasy are absorbed.
In a meeting a guy talked about the way things are. If all this was suppose to be different, it would be. If Adam was my soulmate, maybe it wasnt meant to be for this lifetime. Maybe just the energy he produces in me is exactly what is was suppose to be. If things were different than they are, where would I be today? Certainly not the butterfly with open wings at the edge of my life...living in victory. And maybe I wouldnt have thousands of pages of writing about my recovery and first love...and coming out about my spiritual illness...I wouldnt have done all that??? And so I have a record of this time...even if it ends up just for me, something I can treasure and remember as a time I lived to the fullest, and forgot to be afraid.
So I dont know if I would do anything different. A writer that makes up characters and is delusional? I dont think I am so unique! Is it so silly to think I could make a lving as a writer? That would be so sweet! Certainly God brought all this out of me for a reason!!!
It will be as it will be!
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