So not cool that there was a 65 to 70 year old Adam in the meeting today. So not cool that I was like that totally looks like an old handsome Adam...ah shit and I kept looking at him and I got butterflies! Like his wrinkly face was gonna melt away and there would be Adam holy shit that is terrible!
He had his chocalate eyes, tiny head and wrinkly forehead, and oh that ass in those work jeans, lmfao! Height, size...dude this guy must have been wondering about the weirdo blonde...sideways glances. OMG! No way...I have issues beyond issues!
This is freaking awful and weird...and of course I mean Adam from my book...and if I transferance love to this old man, God help me! No freaking way did I get that feeling in my stomach...Stop sobriety...freaking stop excitement! If I had only known these sensations were possible...fudge alcohol! and sick...stop its not right...stop!!!
Update from today...he not only looks like him, but he does the concerned frow forehead thingy too like no way! And he is gentle and calm and was wearing a Carheart and hoodie sweatshirt...this is freaking me out and he was so concerned for me today and I have only seen him twice. I came in and sat down and just started crying today in a freakin room full of men...my brother decided to go out with gusto and be a doucher and let me have it about not having a job! I was like wtf? As if I dont feel bad enough about it on my own? Please people stop giving me hell for not fitting a mold, or frankly even being capable of working for an employer right now! I hate the fudging pressure, my brother made me feel about an inch tall. If I lived in a box and dirt and rags then would people see my illness and understand and stop freaking pressuring me? like wtf? should I push a cart? fudge. I mean no I dont want to be poor, I am sick of it...but arent there other women in the world that dont work? Cant or wont...whichever, I dont choose this and its frustrating as hell, but I am not going to put myself in some holiday store over Christmas, just to end up in the hospital again.
So today my brother says I am dead to him and a selfish pos because I spent the $75 dollars he gave me for rent, which I had already paid on things I wanted for me and the kids...yeah I took them to a movie. And bought them food and me a vape to try and quit smoking. He had the idea that I needed to show him reciepts for the money he contributed to the household...which in two months was $275??? I gave him a ride to and from work everyday to the other side of town, which meant getting up almost two hours early everyday. Ok and other reasons it just didnt work out. I barely know him he is 8 years younger than me, and now "Miranda you are dead to me Miranda, you are not Mandy." Like he wasnt "oh, its not gonna work out to live with my 36 year old sister, who doesnt party, when I still want to party?" I told him last week it wasnt gonna work out because the rent would be raised $300 and he wasnt sober, and today "he's done"...and I am dead to him" "and he is not a paycheck"... and need to quit depending on other people and get a job. Dude right now my job is mental health court and my kids and staying healthy. Like 20 state doctors dont hand disability out like candy...and I guess I could not afford my brother living here. Besides he left wiskers in my clean sinks and nothing like going to eat something and have it be gone! But his hate today baffles me...and thats how you walk into a meeting in tears...and yep the only woman with 15 men....boo...who.
So this old man kept smiling and nodding at me and then he called on me out of concern. I always felt that from Adam too...and I am so not understanding why the hell God would put someone in my life that reminds me of him? Idk, but I have had the worst day in a long time totally hurt and sad and crying today, feel defeated for having other plans and capabilties than running a cash register...no my head couldnt even handle that...Thats why I get pissy when people say go work at McDonalds...my "degrees" get in the way of course, but I literally could not handle that speed or environment. And then the old man kept trying to talk to me while other people kept grabbing my attention...a longways look, tentative, you guessed it, just like Adam.
I have been a total bitch today, way moodier than I like to be... heading to the gym to decompress. Some days just suck. They just do.
Dec. 12th update...so now I have spent some time with this Adam look alike. He has taken me to lunch a couple times. He is sweet, gentle, and believes in true love. He was married 25 years, and misses his ex wife. I guessed his age close which is 63. He has a son with real mans name. I am pretty sure he will find his way into my second book. I find spending time with him comforting and soothing to my soul. Its something called kindred spirits.
He had his chocalate eyes, tiny head and wrinkly forehead, and oh that ass in those work jeans, lmfao! Height, size...dude this guy must have been wondering about the weirdo blonde...sideways glances. OMG! No way...I have issues beyond issues!
This is freaking awful and weird...and of course I mean Adam from my book...and if I transferance love to this old man, God help me! No freaking way did I get that feeling in my stomach...Stop sobriety...freaking stop excitement! If I had only known these sensations were possible...fudge alcohol! and sick...stop its not right...stop!!!
Update from today...he not only looks like him, but he does the concerned frow forehead thingy too like no way! And he is gentle and calm and was wearing a Carheart and hoodie sweatshirt...this is freaking me out and he was so concerned for me today and I have only seen him twice. I came in and sat down and just started crying today in a freakin room full of men...my brother decided to go out with gusto and be a doucher and let me have it about not having a job! I was like wtf? As if I dont feel bad enough about it on my own? Please people stop giving me hell for not fitting a mold, or frankly even being capable of working for an employer right now! I hate the fudging pressure, my brother made me feel about an inch tall. If I lived in a box and dirt and rags then would people see my illness and understand and stop freaking pressuring me? like wtf? should I push a cart? fudge. I mean no I dont want to be poor, I am sick of it...but arent there other women in the world that dont work? Cant or wont...whichever, I dont choose this and its frustrating as hell, but I am not going to put myself in some holiday store over Christmas, just to end up in the hospital again.
So today my brother says I am dead to him and a selfish pos because I spent the $75 dollars he gave me for rent, which I had already paid on things I wanted for me and the kids...yeah I took them to a movie. And bought them food and me a vape to try and quit smoking. He had the idea that I needed to show him reciepts for the money he contributed to the household...which in two months was $275??? I gave him a ride to and from work everyday to the other side of town, which meant getting up almost two hours early everyday. Ok and other reasons it just didnt work out. I barely know him he is 8 years younger than me, and now "Miranda you are dead to me Miranda, you are not Mandy." Like he wasnt "oh, its not gonna work out to live with my 36 year old sister, who doesnt party, when I still want to party?" I told him last week it wasnt gonna work out because the rent would be raised $300 and he wasnt sober, and today "he's done"...and I am dead to him" "and he is not a paycheck"... and need to quit depending on other people and get a job. Dude right now my job is mental health court and my kids and staying healthy. Like 20 state doctors dont hand disability out like candy...and I guess I could not afford my brother living here. Besides he left wiskers in my clean sinks and nothing like going to eat something and have it be gone! But his hate today baffles me...and thats how you walk into a meeting in tears...and yep the only woman with 15 men....boo...who.
So this old man kept smiling and nodding at me and then he called on me out of concern. I always felt that from Adam too...and I am so not understanding why the hell God would put someone in my life that reminds me of him? Idk, but I have had the worst day in a long time totally hurt and sad and crying today, feel defeated for having other plans and capabilties than running a cash register...no my head couldnt even handle that...Thats why I get pissy when people say go work at McDonalds...my "degrees" get in the way of course, but I literally could not handle that speed or environment. And then the old man kept trying to talk to me while other people kept grabbing my attention...a longways look, tentative, you guessed it, just like Adam.
I have been a total bitch today, way moodier than I like to be... heading to the gym to decompress. Some days just suck. They just do.
Dec. 12th update...so now I have spent some time with this Adam look alike. He has taken me to lunch a couple times. He is sweet, gentle, and believes in true love. He was married 25 years, and misses his ex wife. I guessed his age close which is 63. He has a son with real mans name. I am pretty sure he will find his way into my second book. I find spending time with him comforting and soothing to my soul. Its something called kindred spirits.
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