I hurt him.
I caused the one I love pain.
This dreary day hurts.
Mockery, people laugh at him.
Stop, it was scary...
I dont mean it so.
I am selfish.
I dont want this, two hurt.
I didnt mean it to hurt.
Love hurts...its a messy mess.
And love it does not look like.
It looks like Hiroshima.
Why, why, why?
Psycholical Tresspassing:
Some people are sick, obsessed and just sick about needing love for real. I have never even known what love felt like until Adam, and of course I had to go full blown nuts and really mess it up...aaaarrrrgggghhhh wish I could just be chill and not be so intense... that's it. But what I did scared him and scarred him, i just must be so fucked up at loving someone...but excuse me its my first time...fudge...i really put my whole heart into him and a fudging book and banked on all that...and you know what I have nothing to show for it at this minute I wont be rubbing nickels together for about a week, and I told older man that I just dont want him helping me anymore because he is sick about me. Ive got to get away from that and its scary because i dont know whats next. God? I dont know whats next.
Older man is psychologically tresspassing over my entire life. He wanted to spend the holidays with me and it just depressed me because I have no feelings for him, is it too much for to ask that I get to be with someone I am in love with, or have a chance of it? Damn sorry to be 36 and want that for my life. And it made me mad at book Adam, you know the one who would have stood up for me a long time ago, and say wait this shit is fubared and there has got to be a point where the fricken battle has white flags raised for gosh sakes. Does he wish I would die? I dont know but I am way fricken tougher than I have ever been, but looking back, like what the hell I was just a girl that fell in love and needed time to heal. I didnt mean to scare him so bad....fudge and I want to scream, but I dont know how to let that out. This is absolutley so messed up, because i hurt someone I adore that means more to me than any one person I have ever met...
And now I have hurt older man who had expectations I didnt and never wanted. And so I am just a bitch. I hate hurting people. Money cant buy love...and even if our story I wrote for us made a million it could maybe still not even matter...Adam could just sue me to get the money and laugh at me all the way to the bank...Fairy tale....schmarytale. stupid. and I need an editor...and I need a computer in order to send and pull up my script...thank God someone is giving me their old computer...because the laptop seized a year ago isnt seeming to be something they give a shit about being like my frickin money maker. Oh and my car that was supposedly fixed, is not. So shitstorm, but a more basic one these days.
So whatever.
Good friggin night. Its almost time for a night cap. Desolate this shit, burn the book that is the best thing I have ever done because I loved and believed in somebody....fudge or I will just drink some water and cry myself to sleep...good thing about no nickles, I cant go buy a bottle! Yeah I love sobriety, but sometimes you just wonder when somethings gonna give. My left side of my face is twitching from the abilify...feels like a stroke. So this my depressive state at its finest. I will be better in the morning...fo sho.
Almost 10 in the morn...awakened by my biggest fan calling me singing "You are My Sunshine"...Cam that song is in my book haha! I just remembered I woke up one morning last year singing that to Adam in my book! I will say it was awkward waking up to the full rendition from someone I know online haha, but oh well. So Cam tells me God only gives the tough tasks to the ones with the strongest spirits...and that because of what I experience I am far removed from society. Hmm...I will have to ponder these thoughts some. Far removed?
I caused the one I love pain.
This dreary day hurts.
Mockery, people laugh at him.
Stop, it was scary...
I dont mean it so.
I am selfish.
I dont want this, two hurt.
I didnt mean it to hurt.
Love hurts...its a messy mess.
And love it does not look like.
It looks like Hiroshima.
Why, why, why?
Psycholical Tresspassing:
Some people are sick, obsessed and just sick about needing love for real. I have never even known what love felt like until Adam, and of course I had to go full blown nuts and really mess it up...aaaarrrrgggghhhh wish I could just be chill and not be so intense... that's it. But what I did scared him and scarred him, i just must be so fucked up at loving someone...but excuse me its my first time...fudge...i really put my whole heart into him and a fudging book and banked on all that...and you know what I have nothing to show for it at this minute I wont be rubbing nickels together for about a week, and I told older man that I just dont want him helping me anymore because he is sick about me. Ive got to get away from that and its scary because i dont know whats next. God? I dont know whats next.
Older man is psychologically tresspassing over my entire life. He wanted to spend the holidays with me and it just depressed me because I have no feelings for him, is it too much for to ask that I get to be with someone I am in love with, or have a chance of it? Damn sorry to be 36 and want that for my life. And it made me mad at book Adam, you know the one who would have stood up for me a long time ago, and say wait this shit is fubared and there has got to be a point where the fricken battle has white flags raised for gosh sakes. Does he wish I would die? I dont know but I am way fricken tougher than I have ever been, but looking back, like what the hell I was just a girl that fell in love and needed time to heal. I didnt mean to scare him so bad....fudge and I want to scream, but I dont know how to let that out. This is absolutley so messed up, because i hurt someone I adore that means more to me than any one person I have ever met...
And now I have hurt older man who had expectations I didnt and never wanted. And so I am just a bitch. I hate hurting people. Money cant buy love...and even if our story I wrote for us made a million it could maybe still not even matter...Adam could just sue me to get the money and laugh at me all the way to the bank...Fairy tale....schmarytale. stupid. and I need an editor...and I need a computer in order to send and pull up my script...thank God someone is giving me their old computer...because the laptop seized a year ago isnt seeming to be something they give a shit about being like my frickin money maker. Oh and my car that was supposedly fixed, is not. So shitstorm, but a more basic one these days.
So whatever.
Good friggin night. Its almost time for a night cap. Desolate this shit, burn the book that is the best thing I have ever done because I loved and believed in somebody....fudge or I will just drink some water and cry myself to sleep...good thing about no nickles, I cant go buy a bottle! Yeah I love sobriety, but sometimes you just wonder when somethings gonna give. My left side of my face is twitching from the abilify...feels like a stroke. So this my depressive state at its finest. I will be better in the morning...fo sho.
Almost 10 in the morn...awakened by my biggest fan calling me singing "You are My Sunshine"...Cam that song is in my book haha! I just remembered I woke up one morning last year singing that to Adam in my book! I will say it was awkward waking up to the full rendition from someone I know online haha, but oh well. So Cam tells me God only gives the tough tasks to the ones with the strongest spirits...and that because of what I experience I am far removed from society. Hmm...I will have to ponder these thoughts some. Far removed?
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