Doc likes me...its queerly a twist.

MY psychologist seems pretty enamored with my story, today I told him that although I would like to see if it would work out with "real man" someday somehow, you know if I made us rich and bought his love with a "Hummer" truck...or possibly a "Ram," but I think he is totally a Chevy guy...so today I told Doc, that I am really in love with Adam from my book, and he thinks this is absolutly an amazing twist on it. Its probably not healthy that I think I could purchase real mans affections?  It is simply my need to be impressive and the whole "good enough" bit, mixed in with oh I will show you!!! I be like guess what sees, you were wrongo buddy...and thanks for making me an all sorts of shades of grey sister...I mean red, cause I was like on fire! And then I will go all up Beyonce on him...Say my name, say my name, lol.  And I still have such a need to like totally stick my tongue out at him.

I joked and said anything is possible with real man, he told me I needed to give him space and I said I have for a whole year...thats alot of space right?  We debated on what "Take five months and see if your life gets better," meant.  I said it meant he was into me, and that surely if in five months I was a highly successful sober person, we would be together, and Doc said there was no way to tell!  I said he was the only man to make me think he cared for me and that I had never been tricked before.  We went on and on...like what if it is a movie then?  Late night talk shows? Then?  Dr. Phil?  Will real man ever believe he is the one for me? Do I even know him, and how could he possibly live up to Adam? A fictional character I used to stay sober...how clever.
Doc enjoys my sense of humor and whimsy of given situation. He compliments me a lot and that feels good, he isn't into women, so that's even better, that he just digs me.  I figured that out because I used the word "queer" to describe real mans behavior, queer meaning odd and not like any other man I had ever met in my life ok?  So then my psychologist mentioned he had a partner a little later in the session.  I dont care though because he has every answer I ever needed!  We dont really discuss real man much usually, like he didnt even know his name til a week ago, such a relief there!  My friends are enjoying me much more these days because I am chill and I have stopped talking about real man. Best compliment of the night "you are so healthy and so much more fun To be around."
I guess peeps like me chill.  Haha who would of thought I was ever too much manic?  I am glad the abilify is working even though I do feel stir crazy slowed down like this.  I have been working accounting for a friend and then in a couple of weeks I will be working from home for a trucking business. Just computer stuff.  I am also looking into grant writing for some non profits that I know.  Then want to write an article for BP Today.  And volunteeringfor Nami.  I am headed to their state conference tomorrow.  There is one speaker that will be talking about his incarceration and experience with MI while in there.  This is the stuff I want to be involved in...afore mentioned money making is quite temporary.

I also told my Doc I am scared to live here with the lifetime restraining order. It makes me paranoid and white trucks make me dizzy. It is quite suffocating here. I would move to my hometown Seattle and either be a writer or get my PhD at UW. I would have to see my kids in the summer, as ex will not move.  But frankly I feel I would thrive away from here because well I always have...its a fact.  And I could use all my new found boundary skillz on strangers...I got alot of negativity and haters around here. This will all hinge on if my first book sells and a possible lawsuit giving me the money to move.

Alas I dont know, these are all just ideas right now...I may stay here and fight legislation..yeah I just dont know whats next.

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