In the land that I live in there was a place called Chef. The notorious Billings "meat market.". So this is long before I recognized that my drinking problem was more in fact my man problem. So here is what happened. I had been a fat girl since age 20 when a med put on 65 pounds in less than year. So yes I know what that feels like. What I didn't expect was to effortlessly lose 75 pounds from a med change. I was so relieved to validate it was never what I ate, as my ex husband repeatedly told me he couldn't stand my body and he would say things like "are you really going to eat that?" So my body image is back to how it was always suppose to be. How nice! Um no, it was terrifying and a disaster waiting to happen. This is because me a woman messed up about men, had never felt attention from. Them before. All the attention I got from men when I first came to meetings, was very overwhelming. And how I handled this was becoming obsessed with how I looked for the first time in my life! I dressed very attractively and worked out six days a week, sometimes twice a day. I am sure the outpouring of endorphins is what launched me to heaven. I could be found purusing second hand stores looking for my next hot outfit, weekly.
Well I can say that after all I have learned in sobriety, I have let myself gain ten pounds and not gone into convulsions...and I love my sweats! I like to feel comfortable..I do not crave or need compliments on what I look like to feel good about who I am. And yes I did all that insane impress you shit just focused on Adam...yeah that didn't work.
Also I have always been able to afford a hairdresser in my past. By being forced against my shocking will, my roots grew out...and lo and behold my natural color is uniquely beautiful. Yes some gray, but with lots of brilliant blonde streaks, like God highlighted it!
I also have never been poor before, as an adult. That has taken some getting used to. I have never had to go without anything I wanted and I have never had to go withought needs, like food and tampons of all things. For awhile I would be so angry at God, like how could you let sobriety destroy the entire life I built which was directed at never being poor like my parents. If i wasnt working two jobs, I was in college to get a better job and lived on student loans and credit cards. That was all my drive to someday be worthy to be loved, and to love myself. But I never did in all that. Some how I love myself poor more than I everhave. I have a car that has no bumper and in my past life thats the straight up holocaust. I know it makes people have instant judgements of me....and guess what I totally dig that! Because they have no clue and it has been a great tool for me to just believe in who I am and not focus on what I think other people think. I am pretty sure I have been judged more in sobriety, than I was ever drinking. It is basically because drinking let me blend in and have a stable life. And I left that behind to become myself. And well I am a knock out socially awkard lady stalker sober! For the love of Pete, it cant be true! Ah but I had never been in love before and I saved up all my passion for one person. The love I found inside of me freaked me out as well. You want me to go to jail? Yes I will, because I love you. I will recover and never give up and never kill myself all because I love you. Love is the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. It made me have contrary behavior, to everything i had experienced in my past. It made me a freak because I was so used to being hurt and rejected swiftly, that i learned not to care for even a day! And to feel a deep connection and loyalty to man that runs around screaming for his life, is indeed indescribably weird of me, and so different to who I used to be, that I figure sobriety is definently working! Yeah God has definently warped speeding me through some healing.
Tehe I am thinking about that song about that song Sexual Healing, it makes me giggle. In fact everything about sex makes me giggle because I am actually painfully shy about it when sober. Yes a total prude at heart. If any of you out there are reading me and are thinking about getting sober...I highly reccomend it. Best thing i have ever done for myself is feel my own pain...because then when you actually face all of it at any cost, you will come out the other side and its beautiful here!
Oh and by the way I am restrained form the meat market Chef for a lifetime...he's my angel lol! But a lifetime from my favorite coffee shop...he's the devil! Got to have that edge bad boy, damn!
And I stopped wearing so much makeup! My skin looks good without the goop, and I decided freckles are awesome. So just a little mascara for me. Beauty comes from the inside, and I am pretty radiant sober!
Well I can say that after all I have learned in sobriety, I have let myself gain ten pounds and not gone into convulsions...and I love my sweats! I like to feel comfortable..I do not crave or need compliments on what I look like to feel good about who I am. And yes I did all that insane impress you shit just focused on Adam...yeah that didn't work.
Also I have always been able to afford a hairdresser in my past. By being forced against my shocking will, my roots grew out...and lo and behold my natural color is uniquely beautiful. Yes some gray, but with lots of brilliant blonde streaks, like God highlighted it!
I also have never been poor before, as an adult. That has taken some getting used to. I have never had to go without anything I wanted and I have never had to go withought needs, like food and tampons of all things. For awhile I would be so angry at God, like how could you let sobriety destroy the entire life I built which was directed at never being poor like my parents. If i wasnt working two jobs, I was in college to get a better job and lived on student loans and credit cards. That was all my drive to someday be worthy to be loved, and to love myself. But I never did in all that. Some how I love myself poor more than I everhave. I have a car that has no bumper and in my past life thats the straight up holocaust. I know it makes people have instant judgements of me....and guess what I totally dig that! Because they have no clue and it has been a great tool for me to just believe in who I am and not focus on what I think other people think. I am pretty sure I have been judged more in sobriety, than I was ever drinking. It is basically because drinking let me blend in and have a stable life. And I left that behind to become myself. And well I am a knock out socially awkard lady stalker sober! For the love of Pete, it cant be true! Ah but I had never been in love before and I saved up all my passion for one person. The love I found inside of me freaked me out as well. You want me to go to jail? Yes I will, because I love you. I will recover and never give up and never kill myself all because I love you. Love is the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. It made me have contrary behavior, to everything i had experienced in my past. It made me a freak because I was so used to being hurt and rejected swiftly, that i learned not to care for even a day! And to feel a deep connection and loyalty to man that runs around screaming for his life, is indeed indescribably weird of me, and so different to who I used to be, that I figure sobriety is definently working! Yeah God has definently warped speeding me through some healing.
Tehe I am thinking about that song about that song Sexual Healing, it makes me giggle. In fact everything about sex makes me giggle because I am actually painfully shy about it when sober. Yes a total prude at heart. If any of you out there are reading me and are thinking about getting sober...I highly reccomend it. Best thing i have ever done for myself is feel my own pain...because then when you actually face all of it at any cost, you will come out the other side and its beautiful here!
Oh and by the way I am restrained form the meat market Chef for a lifetime...he's my angel lol! But a lifetime from my favorite coffee shop...he's the devil! Got to have that edge bad boy, damn!
And I stopped wearing so much makeup! My skin looks good without the goop, and I decided freckles are awesome. So just a little mascara for me. Beauty comes from the inside, and I am pretty radiant sober!
Comments