Yes, I always knew God was preparing me for something from my dreams. Something big. I had a relatively healthy life except for alcohol and manabuse. I have three degrees and have worked my ass off to play the game of life. On disability now and after four times in the hospital this year I guess it was necessary. Oh how I loathe it though, and the shame it brings me to my bitter knees, and I shake my fist at this God of Irony...say it ain't so. I am insane! People run afraid...and this has all happened since I got sober? Five times in jail, five times in psych...Who am I? I don't recognize what the plan is here God? Like seriously? A stalker for falling in love with a sweet guy and writing him a book about how he changed my life by being good to me? What a world and I am melting into a life that absolutely makes me shudder with horror! A felon. I have worked and pushed nay, shoved to the head of the class, books, studying get another degree to be worthy, and this? And this I say, is not what I had in mind for my life. Yeah I was in love and yeah I couldn't leave him alone...but what an absolute can of bullshit did I step into?
So now I am fighting demons that I can literally see...and the court system. Super and my spirit pushes on even when beaten to a pulp, I am revived for more, perfectly back to normal again. All I can say is there better be something good on the other side of this...that's all I can think is that maybe fighting demons is getting them out of me for good. Spiritual battle of all time...always fought in nightmares for 17 years...all induced by marijuana. Yes I am a sensitive soul. Way more intune with the spirits than anyone really should be. I have been told I am a healer...so I guess I need to be healed before I can maintain that function.
Its been about four years since my divorce and I have had no one serious in my life and I am pretty sure that is the was God wants it, and as being no man could handle me right now anyway, and that is not a dare or an invite, lol. I just need to heal from a lifetime of alcoholic trash beating...pisses me off to think of the abuse I let into my life...makes me angry...and why me? And why wake me up to face it? And if I ever get to recover from that alone would be a miracle and what were all the things I gave up on this planet to get drunk? I will have two years Wednesday! YEAH! I am badass tough on alcohol not being the one to take me out! I really don't know whats in store, just about destroyed in the hospital again...having trouble deciphering society. I think people are lying to me about the awful things because I want to believe that what I see when I go to heaven is true and that the news in all made up and sickness is a thing of the past...and that includes addiction. My split world between good and evil makes it very difficult to navigate reality. I have to test everything...its a little exhausting...seriously.
So now I am fighting demons that I can literally see...and the court system. Super and my spirit pushes on even when beaten to a pulp, I am revived for more, perfectly back to normal again. All I can say is there better be something good on the other side of this...that's all I can think is that maybe fighting demons is getting them out of me for good. Spiritual battle of all time...always fought in nightmares for 17 years...all induced by marijuana. Yes I am a sensitive soul. Way more intune with the spirits than anyone really should be. I have been told I am a healer...so I guess I need to be healed before I can maintain that function.
Its been about four years since my divorce and I have had no one serious in my life and I am pretty sure that is the was God wants it, and as being no man could handle me right now anyway, and that is not a dare or an invite, lol. I just need to heal from a lifetime of alcoholic trash beating...pisses me off to think of the abuse I let into my life...makes me angry...and why me? And why wake me up to face it? And if I ever get to recover from that alone would be a miracle and what were all the things I gave up on this planet to get drunk? I will have two years Wednesday! YEAH! I am badass tough on alcohol not being the one to take me out! I really don't know whats in store, just about destroyed in the hospital again...having trouble deciphering society. I think people are lying to me about the awful things because I want to believe that what I see when I go to heaven is true and that the news in all made up and sickness is a thing of the past...and that includes addiction. My split world between good and evil makes it very difficult to navigate reality. I have to test everything...its a little exhausting...seriously.
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