I believe I've been allowed delusion, for healing reasons. All this has come along and may be most selfish and scary to Adam, but I know it was for a reason. Since I recognized that I have never loved or trusted a man before and I did it all on paper for the first time that is a big step for me. God allowed me to extend that trust to Adam as a symbol per se and all my recovery was based on me loving him while learned to love myself. Quite possibly a delusion created out of neccesity of survival since I had never extended that trust to anyone before. So jail, and psych and regardless of reality, my love stayed true...and even if it was just I belief that love existed in me, it sustained me.
I know that my fantasy and necessity scared the shit out of Adam and really obviously confused him and pissed him off. I can't do anything to change what happened though. I am being punished severely, and I think clearly people are worried I am the type of mental that would hurt him. Like I am being punished as if I have done something to him beyond some lovey texts, is what I feel like. Premediatated evil is what is perceived based on the movie, "Fatal Attraction." That I am not. I am just a far out spiritual chick, with some prior head damage, and I do my best to recover I do!
The thing is I loved Adam so deeply with a spiritual love which I nurtured and grew along the way, to be above superficial obsession. And I know that is how I am perceived. Superficial, weak, needy and desparate for a man. I was told I was so desparate for any man and that's why I was after Adam, because I want just "any" man to love me. Well track record wise, I have never "needed" a man in my entire life. Maybe that puts off some sort of desparate vibe, when your frightened of getting close to men, and you work and go to school and pick careers that pay $25 an hour so you don't need a man to support you? I don't know? I just need to stop listening to people's opinions of my situation because they are pretty cockeyed! Everyone has an opinion, but the view it in very little minded ways...and see me pretty point blank, when there is much more depth to this then obsession or selfish love. I always felt spiritually close to him, through all of this, and there was a reason for that. God let me love someone who does not believe. And I psychologically went to heaven with him...still trying to figure that out. One realm its good...and in the Evil Empire, it clearly means I am a felon!!! Its a good thing my flesh knows of temperancy and as I look back on my painful life, and the disappointments...I just know for certain that this world was never my destination. No matter how I strived for success and wealth, God wanted me to look forward to home.
I have had a spot of my chest for about five years that started to change. I had it biopsied yesterday and will have a mammogram for some lumps in my left breast. Its not for sure anything, but I do glorify the thought. I wouldn't fight cancer. I wouldn't try to be a hero, because really I have already done that all my life. What I would do is die graciously and definently not letting them chop of my boobies. I have already lost my cheerleader legs, and hair. And I would want to write about spiritual illness before I died...living with psychotic bipolar, and how I played "just fine" for so long. How nobody knew what I went through, because I being the strong one, hid it, so I thought! About the radiant beauty of my life, the enormous gifting...and about the piercing darkness, and what it is like to be rejected by everyone you get close to, the fear in nightmares coming true, and how I coped. I want to tell of month long periods I lived in altered states of reality, hell and heaven and what it meant to me, and what it feels like to be alone in hell for eternity. And what it feels like to come out of that, and rebuild a life starting from an infancy state, over and over and over. What it feels like to be laughed at and called weak. And how I separated myself from all the world by never accepting the reality of walking this earth with you as a mentally ill person...I still don't want to accept it.
And I have one dying romanticizing wish. I would need a good an affectionate lover, because I have only had one, and that doesn't seem fair. Someone to cuddle with, because I have never had that either. And I know who I want it to be, HAHA. I am a repeat wanting to cuddle offender lol. But this is just me, being me and I don't know if I have cancer...just one of those "what ifs." I probably won't get to die, but I will write the book anyway. And isn't it just so romantic?
And now I have to go to Mental Health Court and I am so intimidated and fearful because I cannot predict my head these days...the things I do for love!
I know that my fantasy and necessity scared the shit out of Adam and really obviously confused him and pissed him off. I can't do anything to change what happened though. I am being punished severely, and I think clearly people are worried I am the type of mental that would hurt him. Like I am being punished as if I have done something to him beyond some lovey texts, is what I feel like. Premediatated evil is what is perceived based on the movie, "Fatal Attraction." That I am not. I am just a far out spiritual chick, with some prior head damage, and I do my best to recover I do!
The thing is I loved Adam so deeply with a spiritual love which I nurtured and grew along the way, to be above superficial obsession. And I know that is how I am perceived. Superficial, weak, needy and desparate for a man. I was told I was so desparate for any man and that's why I was after Adam, because I want just "any" man to love me. Well track record wise, I have never "needed" a man in my entire life. Maybe that puts off some sort of desparate vibe, when your frightened of getting close to men, and you work and go to school and pick careers that pay $25 an hour so you don't need a man to support you? I don't know? I just need to stop listening to people's opinions of my situation because they are pretty cockeyed! Everyone has an opinion, but the view it in very little minded ways...and see me pretty point blank, when there is much more depth to this then obsession or selfish love. I always felt spiritually close to him, through all of this, and there was a reason for that. God let me love someone who does not believe. And I psychologically went to heaven with him...still trying to figure that out. One realm its good...and in the Evil Empire, it clearly means I am a felon!!! Its a good thing my flesh knows of temperancy and as I look back on my painful life, and the disappointments...I just know for certain that this world was never my destination. No matter how I strived for success and wealth, God wanted me to look forward to home.
I have had a spot of my chest for about five years that started to change. I had it biopsied yesterday and will have a mammogram for some lumps in my left breast. Its not for sure anything, but I do glorify the thought. I wouldn't fight cancer. I wouldn't try to be a hero, because really I have already done that all my life. What I would do is die graciously and definently not letting them chop of my boobies. I have already lost my cheerleader legs, and hair. And I would want to write about spiritual illness before I died...living with psychotic bipolar, and how I played "just fine" for so long. How nobody knew what I went through, because I being the strong one, hid it, so I thought! About the radiant beauty of my life, the enormous gifting...and about the piercing darkness, and what it is like to be rejected by everyone you get close to, the fear in nightmares coming true, and how I coped. I want to tell of month long periods I lived in altered states of reality, hell and heaven and what it meant to me, and what it feels like to be alone in hell for eternity. And what it feels like to come out of that, and rebuild a life starting from an infancy state, over and over and over. What it feels like to be laughed at and called weak. And how I separated myself from all the world by never accepting the reality of walking this earth with you as a mentally ill person...I still don't want to accept it.
And I have one dying romanticizing wish. I would need a good an affectionate lover, because I have only had one, and that doesn't seem fair. Someone to cuddle with, because I have never had that either. And I know who I want it to be, HAHA. I am a repeat wanting to cuddle offender lol. But this is just me, being me and I don't know if I have cancer...just one of those "what ifs." I probably won't get to die, but I will write the book anyway. And isn't it just so romantic?
And now I have to go to Mental Health Court and I am so intimidated and fearful because I cannot predict my head these days...the things I do for love!
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