So what does recovery look like to the world of AA to one with spiritual illness? Oh I am sure someone out there in the world could relate to me, but I have yet to find them. It makes me feel especially alone, that I can't just stop drinking and do the next right thing, and viola life all better. I am shunned, disrespected, and mocked for my recovery process. In sobriety I have left my "good" life behind, you know the one where I held it all together and supported myself, and traded it for an onslaught of police officers and psychward visits. So no, I am anything but exemplary for the AA folk. I love it when frequently relapsing addicts can "act" better than me, and put me down over something I don't choose. Well good acting. I get made fun of for Adam, well because no one understands, and they say well he must have been good in bed and your addicted to him and that's all it was. I have the most profound, life altering experience with one person, and little minded people, make it little and sick and I just have to know that God understands, because I can't change the way little people see it or try to make my love or experience sick, when its the best thing that ever happened to me. I guess there is just no explaining the depth of what I go through or experience, because it is just not typical and is feared...you would think with all the supernatural movies out there that this would just be accepted and intriguing as a love story. And I know it was a one sided love story, and that Adam has no God, nor love for me. But just the same I saw his spirit, and my intuition and soul loved him so deeply, that God knew that was exactly what I needed. No matter how the world carves it out. Its my recovery story, a growth story...my life story and the truth in love story. Let little people laugh and make it little...to thine own self be true.
The only thing I can think is that alcohol kept me sane. So sane enough to handle abuse without recognizing it...super. I have been processing my past psychotically and it just makes me angry at years wasted and I just want to give the devil a throat punch...and I am sure I am pissed enough at him to wipe him out with said throat punch. I am so glad to be sober...but damn it is really raw! Someday and I guess it doesn't have to be, but I would like people to see me the way God sees me. And I just guess that this is my time to feel hated and feared and called crazy. To feel alone and rejected. Someday I might just get to stand on a platform and say hey, this is what it feels like to be hated and hurt for something you don't choose. This is what it feels like to strive your whole life to not be in poverty and get called white trash. To feel hate. To know you wasted 20 years of your life in abuse and alcohol because at 15, some kid let you know you were worthless. And have that kind of world, where these things happen make you scream. And then have someone help you see the truth of your pain and say you need to be punished with prison. Damn this world is messed up!!! Put this woman in chains because her head is messed up about how she has been treated? Oh the sad sad and apparent attack of the enemy on my life!
But this is not just my story, I just think my pain manifests in psychosis and God gives me different eyes to see beyond what most get to see. I want to start on my next book, all about spiritual illness. An addict in the psychward mocked me for writing my first book, and oh how I take things to heart. I recognize the enemy now though and how I see myself as less than, and unvaluable is clearly to try and get me to not do what God wants me to do...which is to be bold and helps others in darkness know there is a way and heaven is real. Amen.
The only thing I can think is that alcohol kept me sane. So sane enough to handle abuse without recognizing it...super. I have been processing my past psychotically and it just makes me angry at years wasted and I just want to give the devil a throat punch...and I am sure I am pissed enough at him to wipe him out with said throat punch. I am so glad to be sober...but damn it is really raw! Someday and I guess it doesn't have to be, but I would like people to see me the way God sees me. And I just guess that this is my time to feel hated and feared and called crazy. To feel alone and rejected. Someday I might just get to stand on a platform and say hey, this is what it feels like to be hated and hurt for something you don't choose. This is what it feels like to strive your whole life to not be in poverty and get called white trash. To feel hate. To know you wasted 20 years of your life in abuse and alcohol because at 15, some kid let you know you were worthless. And have that kind of world, where these things happen make you scream. And then have someone help you see the truth of your pain and say you need to be punished with prison. Damn this world is messed up!!! Put this woman in chains because her head is messed up about how she has been treated? Oh the sad sad and apparent attack of the enemy on my life!
But this is not just my story, I just think my pain manifests in psychosis and God gives me different eyes to see beyond what most get to see. I want to start on my next book, all about spiritual illness. An addict in the psychward mocked me for writing my first book, and oh how I take things to heart. I recognize the enemy now though and how I see myself as less than, and unvaluable is clearly to try and get me to not do what God wants me to do...which is to be bold and helps others in darkness know there is a way and heaven is real. Amen.
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