I made him up. I hear the reality Adam is dating some chick with a dog collar and Mohawk. He is drinking beer, for shame. So I have this spiritual awakening and conquest, based on who I thought he was, or who God allowed me to believe he was. I saw all of Adams good, and yes the experience of falling in love for the first time was pretty amazing. I still love him, but I am trying to see that it was only a big deal to me. He didn't experience what I did..and dude is just a scaredy cat that thinks I deserve prison. Its hella sad to love someone that deeply and dream of their touch for two years and have the reality be what it is. I am still glad it happened..first dude ever to get me to write him a book! First man to ever fool me enough to trust him...guess its what God wanted. I needed to trust my first man and if you wait 34 years for that there's bound to be some drama! I don' t blame myself for going insane never been treated right...who wouldn't fall in love and adore the first one to treat you special? First time having affection would drive any woman insane. Just saying shit went sideways, but I am not mad. I think if I wouldn't of known of intense love for a man, i might be dead. I think love kept me alive. And now i need to find a way to live without it...just be strong on my own without loving a man that doesn't deserve me. I think my love for him was in a higher realm, which Adam clearly doesn't want to understand. Its gonna be ok...heaven understands and I only have to answer to this realm for but one life.
And its not Adam's fault. He is only human and I put my entire life on his shoulders and that's not fair. I learned so much from love and I love myself more than I ever have. Enough to be exposed about my illness and not kill myself over the embarrassment is huge. It was so worth it for me to believe in him, and never turn on him. I've never ever been able to extend that grace to anyone and to everyone else he is the enemy. I am pretty sure he just has zero understanding of what happens to me, and it is scary! I've got to understand how the world views it and no they don't see it as spiritual enlightenment or a gift. It makes me pretty deep and frankly weird...but pretty special if you ask me. I do have one hell of a story. Love with psychotic features. The best part is I have been in training my whole life to pick assholes...damn straight that I am never gonna do that again! I know what I want! I want someone like Adam!
This post is really bitter. Just a moment I had...please read the next day's post entitled "Selfish."
And its not Adam's fault. He is only human and I put my entire life on his shoulders and that's not fair. I learned so much from love and I love myself more than I ever have. Enough to be exposed about my illness and not kill myself over the embarrassment is huge. It was so worth it for me to believe in him, and never turn on him. I've never ever been able to extend that grace to anyone and to everyone else he is the enemy. I am pretty sure he just has zero understanding of what happens to me, and it is scary! I've got to understand how the world views it and no they don't see it as spiritual enlightenment or a gift. It makes me pretty deep and frankly weird...but pretty special if you ask me. I do have one hell of a story. Love with psychotic features. The best part is I have been in training my whole life to pick assholes...damn straight that I am never gonna do that again! I know what I want! I want someone like Adam!
This post is really bitter. Just a moment I had...please read the next day's post entitled "Selfish."