So I am saying psychosis is terrifying unless you are in heaven which only happened after four trips to hell, then the sweet sweet lovin, yes you've heard. But by the grace of God it is always temporary. So I get the altered state in severity usually for two weeks and then I pop right back into the real world. I can consider myself blessed to have visited and now say I was just doing research. Poof. This summer I visited several dimensions the last one of course was so evil I thought I was never coming back, but in remembrance, that's how they all were. You are evil, in hell for eternity and that is your reality until something brings you back...maybe this new drug with the side effect of death, or God, who knows. I am so relieved, but very exhausted and depleted of energy and have fear of being around a lot of people...that will pass. It does every time. This certainly is the strongest I have ever had to be through one of these, and usually its private to me and family...so this has been a game show! I think this one was three months total, some reality mixed with fantasy, so it is also the longest psychosis I have ever had...and I survived!
The cool thing about it is I know what it is like for other people who are attacked constantly, but then i can dress up in a business suit and talk the other side of it. I am surely going to have to rebuild my reputation because the buzz was how i lost 75 pounds was getting into drugs and thats why my life fell apart. Nope drugs scare me...even one hit of pot will put me in the other realm. I got pain killers for my back and I had an allergy to those too. I do wonder though what my friends from my old life at the city think of it all. I had been playing my A game. I think I carry a powerful message and it gives me hope for a future where I don't have to depend on the government who created all the systems to perpetuate themselves for decades. I have always had the strong will to be independent and my
situation right now frustrates me. Disabilty. And a man supporting me that loves me and wants to be with me, but i am not interested that way. I hate it, but its not like i have many options in my current state.
I am imagining and projecting myself as a powerful woman. Men are often scared of powerful women. See its ok Adam, I will certainly hold you if you are afraid! Powerful is scary I suppose and I do got to remember i have a disabling illness. One minute my head will say you are powerful...and the next it will be telling me i am weak and no one cares about what i have been through...so it is damn tricky! I would really love to know who I am sober without psychosis for a few years. In my past I would have five year stretches without psychosis...just pretty normal...well for a genius that is lol! So I have enough research and gumption to talk to the legislature..but I will have to regain respect and composure in the community. And how I do that is by volunteering at places that are like minded and want reform. One phone call to the right person, and I will be on or start a committee to address mental health care reform. I will make that a goal by January. My other thought was to get my masters in psychology. But i would probably disagree with everything they had to say! I think my degrees, personal experience, and job and legal background is probably equivelent to a PhD...so maybe I really dont need more student loans. Boo I need a nap. I never need naps, i am used to the up side of bipolar not the down. Night.
The cool thing about it is I know what it is like for other people who are attacked constantly, but then i can dress up in a business suit and talk the other side of it. I am surely going to have to rebuild my reputation because the buzz was how i lost 75 pounds was getting into drugs and thats why my life fell apart. Nope drugs scare me...even one hit of pot will put me in the other realm. I got pain killers for my back and I had an allergy to those too. I do wonder though what my friends from my old life at the city think of it all. I had been playing my A game. I think I carry a powerful message and it gives me hope for a future where I don't have to depend on the government who created all the systems to perpetuate themselves for decades. I have always had the strong will to be independent and my
situation right now frustrates me. Disabilty. And a man supporting me that loves me and wants to be with me, but i am not interested that way. I hate it, but its not like i have many options in my current state.
I am imagining and projecting myself as a powerful woman. Men are often scared of powerful women. See its ok Adam, I will certainly hold you if you are afraid! Powerful is scary I suppose and I do got to remember i have a disabling illness. One minute my head will say you are powerful...and the next it will be telling me i am weak and no one cares about what i have been through...so it is damn tricky! I would really love to know who I am sober without psychosis for a few years. In my past I would have five year stretches without psychosis...just pretty normal...well for a genius that is lol! So I have enough research and gumption to talk to the legislature..but I will have to regain respect and composure in the community. And how I do that is by volunteering at places that are like minded and want reform. One phone call to the right person, and I will be on or start a committee to address mental health care reform. I will make that a goal by January. My other thought was to get my masters in psychology. But i would probably disagree with everything they had to say! I think my degrees, personal experience, and job and legal background is probably equivelent to a PhD...so maybe I really dont need more student loans. Boo I need a nap. I never need naps, i am used to the up side of bipolar not the down. Night.