I also learned not to worship a
human. Big no no! No pedestals. The higher up you put someone the further
down they can fall. I kept him up there
with my fantasy. I made Adam a symbol, I
turned him all into the man I wanted to romance. I thought I knew enough about him, but he just is unable to see me for who I
am. And that is okay…I can’t run the
show. It says in the Big Book, that we
just can’t run the show and direct our actors the way we think they need to
be. Adam is not my puppet. God is my director, not a man. I am taking all this experience at face
value. And what an experience to
have! An amazing spiritual experience
has happened for me! I rock! I am happy and love myself and that feels
like such a relief! What a great first year of sobriety!
I pretty much have my list that I
wanted this year, except for the splits and quitting smoking. I stopped stretching so much a few months
ago…wouldn’t be too hard to get back into it though. And I did not learn to Chef at all, haha I am
just not a real woman then! My violin
lessons have stopped, and I am barely squeaking out With or Without You, by U2
and I never practice it to memorize it. No I am not perfect at anything, but I
have done pretty good with my list! My
therapist also wants me to make a list about what I liked about Adam…this list
could be long. Actually that is my
obsession talking, she said to make a list about what I want in a man! Lol.
Man list
Gentle
Kindhearted
Affectionate
Intelligent
Wise
Tall
Handsome
Quick witted
Social
Happy
Gifted
Hard working
Financially
sound
Passionate
Strong
Loving
Christian
Assertive
Educated
Romantic
Adaptable
Forgiving
Understanding
Loyal
Remarkable
Fascinating
Desirable
Sexy
Cute
Rough around
the edges
Serene
Conversational
Humorous
Spontaneous
Realistic
Logical
Flexible
Patient
Trustworthy
Honest
Stable
Slow to
anger
Courageous
Genuine
Grateful
Non
judgmental
Non smoker
Faithful
Sexually
healthy
Compassionate
Nice abs!
Adventurous
Traveler
Sober
Free
thinking
Chemistry
Okay so I
realize from this list, that these are things I believe Adam to be. Most of them are, and that is because I
believe that he was the right man for me.
I am not sure all these qualities exist in him except for my vivid
imagination. I do think he has a lot of them, but he is certainly not a Christian, now,
lol! Haha I am such a hopeless Romantic
and I just don’t give up! That boy is
mine…or someone a hell of a lot like him.
Oh I just don’t want to be so in love anymore if I can’t have him! Bummer!
Tired of being so in love!
My therapist
wants me to understand how I see Adam as a symbol. I got this!
Adam is my fairytale, my prince charming, my rescuer, my hero. He is everything good I wish to see in
me. I trust him even though he does not
trust me. I love him even though he does
not love me. He is a kind and
sweet. I fell in love with him in a
short time so that shows me a lot about him.
He is desirable to me, because I felt he complimented me so well. He is handsome and has curly black hair,
which made me want to make a daughter with him. He is a good loving father, and
is compassionate. He is hard on me, which also made me love him, because he
challenged me to do better. My chemistry
with him is off the charts. I wanted him
to love me, so I made him into who I wanted him to be. I created a man! How silly and seriously cool, that I created
my man in my own story! Neat! Just like when I was a little girl and would
cut families out of catalogs, I made me a Ken doll! LOL.
I am sad
about how poorly court went for me. I
shouldn’t have tried to defend myself. I should have just told him that I loved
him. It’s going to be okay, I
suppose. I just loved a man for the
first time sober, and I loved him a little too much. I thought maybe he was my SOULMATE or
something cool like that. I wanted to
share my huge family with this “orphan.”
I don’t understand God sometimes.
I don’t understand all of this God, and why it ended so awful and why
Adam, is not forgiving of me being crazy.
I wish he understood what he meant to me and my life. I should have never tried to make him
understand from texts. I really wish I
could have been strong enough to never text him just like my whole story and
that was the plan. Darnit, really.
I am trying to trust God with this though. There is something I am definitely supposed to learn about this. Maybe I put love for a man way before my love for God, maybe I am supposed to learn to not worship a man for how he treats me, and how he walks and talks and makes me happy. I don’t think I want to take it this far with a man again. This was really great for me, but sometimes I just wonder if God wants me to be alone. A single mother and to work on my career and raise my children. I think God knows that is not what I really want, so I am going to just trust and believe that God will bring me the right man that I can love, like I loved Adam. I understand that I had such a physical and connected spirit to Adam, that is exactly what I want for a husband.
Comments