March 23, 2013
I was
thinking that this is probably going to be an overwhelming book by the time, I
let you read it. I want to share about
last night after I got my kids because I realized that I am being a functional
mother again. I was giving Samuel a bath
and I stayed in there and goofed around and played with him. I think it was the first time I have done
that. I have always been all business
with bath time or just let them play in there alone. It filled me with joy, but also made me feel
bad about all the time I was emotionally absent from my children. James and I separated when he was 9 months old.
And I had been pregbait, with a sick little baby boy. I men I was sick when I
was pregmeant with him. Psychotic in the psych ward, and Doktos no know what happens to me. Say I was having a “seize her” from a Kim-Michael
Em Ball Aunts. Doktos are ridiculous. I Grand Mal Seized because of terror, not
because of Kim and Michael. But I will save that story of terror, for down the
Yellow Brick Road. And so when Samuel was only 9 months, I fell apart…I checked
out. I missed out on a lot on who is
probably my last baby. I felt better
though when I thought of how much better I have been sober as a mother, and
that Samuel will never have to know how neglectful I was. Then we watched my favorite movie and all
three snuggled on the couch, eating popcorn.
I was singing the songs with the Wizard of Oz and actually being a fun
mom…that’s way more fulfilling than any time I had drinking. I was drinking a six pack just to tolerate
them towards the end…and it wasn’t enough.
Yuck, I don’t want to be that mom ever again. I was a lazy parent, hate myself for that…but
it is so much better now.
August 5, 2014
Another morning with a headache. I am getting freaked because I never have headaches. After the seize her with Samuel in utero 5 months, they did all sorts of tests on my brain and an ultra sound to check on him of course. So relieved he is a healthy little boy, despite being born with a muscle deficiency. So the tests on my brain, showed a normal healthy brain, no damage. But I wonder now if something has happened. I am mentally clear, but just this damn persistent ache in my brain for two weeks now. Also I am losing hair, and that could be from the medickations. I used to have beautiful long thick curly blonde hair, halfway down my back. A med ick ate son, called Lamictal, which I took for three weeks during my separation stole that from me. It fell out in gobs in the shower for three months post taking it. I would cry, it was like I was on chemo. I had to cut it short ,and I cried about that too. It was during my separation and I thought I was going to go bald, because I looked it up on the internet, and yes people were going bald. And it is so thin now, I have that fear again today. Fudging medic stations...I hate them! I am on lithium now, which is just a natural salt to stabilize moods, now that I don't have beer as a stabilizer. And I take an anti-psychotic called Geodon, which I believe helped me lose 75 pounds which had been put on me bi other medickations. I also take Metformin for a Kim and Michael induced, imbalance in my hormones, this is called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. This imbalance was caused by Zyprexa, that at age 20 made me gain 65 pounds in one year. This Kim-Michael imbalance causes infertility. It makes you hairy too...and I have been producing breast milk for a sun, who was never breast fed, for 7 years now.
I really want to go off grid somewhere, with someone I trusted and just see if I could be drug free. I am so tired of this shit! Because I think Men Tell illness is demonic and triggered by genetics, and I think I am set free...but I don't know and no one in the God forsaken town would let me try. I know I was born with a Schitzo Friend It gene that literally made me a backwards wo man. Built in opposite order, to not respond well to the opposite sex. Never have. I am not the only one. I was the weirdest little loner girl...very happy though. Never played with or learned boys. I am bi pull her hair, push her down, not good enough, get her drunk. And they are scared to play in my sandbox...all of them boys, all my life. But I am a "pretty one" of my kind, so lucky. Ass back wards, hearing it all wrong for so long. Literally misinterpret men since a child...talk about my societal adaptation skills, because I am not a lesbian! So all that time completely lost and misunderstanding men, that was until I met Adam, he is basically my twin, and brought about some very interesting physical changes in me!
So I literally read Adam backwards. His "no" never meant "no," and flipping me off was like a "high five." Don't ask me how I accomplished this, other than we are both backwards, lol. Fudging nuts, is right! I hope I get to be a PhD, I think my book is a dissertation! He fixes me in more ways than one, and probably both pretty high up on the food chain of this scheme, like where you can't tell, and you don't know. But I figured it all out, up in this Sex Son Ate Duplex in about a year. Call me crazy, I will like it, it would be like talking dirty to me. And now I am giving way too much of my book away, darnit, I just can't stop!
