May 11, 2013
I heard
terms like self-inflicted pain and surrender in today’s meeting. Very fitting for my situation. This is all my doing and I choose it. You have done nothing to encourage me
whatsoever…this is on me. I am trying to
get well and all this makes it harder. I
wish I could stop it. Now I think I am
addicted to writing too. Like bad. It is when I feel the happiest. The most release. And you are my muse. I have never had a muse before. No one has ever inspired me like this. I guess there is a first time for
everything.
Today is
Brayden’s sixth birthday. I cannot believe that. He is growing up so fast. Too fast, I don’t like it.
Well I
decided this is risky business. This is
fudging all of me right here on a platter...served right up. All my risk, and you have to risk
nothing. This is seriously some heavy
shit, right here. If you’re ready come
and get it…na na na…love that song too.
I am kind of hyper tonight. I am
going to dinner with Eric. We don’t
leave each other alone very well. But he
knows just friends. Okay he’s here…bye!
Now my addict sunshine is Seven, growing up
like a prince!!! Doing time…jails, instituToons and Diabolical Diabetic
Research. Seven is the number of
ladybugs dots on each side of my future right foot tattoo, in remembrance of the
Mary that landed on me at the Westside, post trauma, suicide. She sat on my right hand the whole hour. Fourteen is a lucky number. And so a ying yang inner body for
you…something delicate and not tubules invasive. No need to pump my stomach
from pill overdoses. Never have liked drugs. Allergic to pot even, sends me other places!!!