Well I figured out that I am only telling people who I have no idea who they are reading this what is happening. I mean mostly my theory that I was genetically or spiritually gay for 34 years. Its just really out there I guess and all this stuff is, so I just write and not talk about it to anyone. A little bit with my psychologist. He mentioned something like I never had a father to practice on to learn how to be woman, stuff like that...and possibly agrees on the spiritual side of it. All I know is nothing was ever right and I got abused, and I am a really sweet person. I was even a cheerleader, haha! Just never met a sweet guy before? And I never recognized my abuse until I met him. Yeah I really don't freaking know but I was really sensitive to comments and teasing and took it all to heart in a bad way. Just felt no worth. It's so terrible, I didn't even know I was pretty. And then all this with Adam, and suddenly I am gorgeous to myself. Its just powerful, and I have no other way to explain it other than I was built wrong, some way some how...and God used Adam to fix me. It is really far out and so I am glad I know a handful of people are reading this because, I am little wigged out.
And I haven't even told my mom, or my financier who helps me with just about every aspect of my life. I haven't told my sponsor either. Only Aunna I guess, my masseuse and best friend. I told her I was a hairy he-she! I have made extreme changes to my book in the last month, so its not just a love story, but a shock to the system story. It revolutionized everything and took it to a whole new level. A scary level that I don't want to talk about because they will lock me away. So I keep my chin up, and do the everything is fine routine. Pull out a joke or two, and smile. I don't want people to worry because they already do. If I run around saying I am the Queen of the Gay people that wouldn't look too good. LOL JUST KIDDING!!! See I can make jokes, quite well...I do my best to keep people happy.
So kind of feeling alone in this and that is ok, because since getting sober I can stand on my own, and actually feel the most energy being alone. Used to have such a need for people...constantly needing ego food. Anyway I am gonna go sit at the meeting and stare off in outerspace, act like I am stupid and just don't get recovery, cause I am still all so messed up some say, because I am a mental person. Fudge em, right? Bored with it, but what else to do by myself on a beautiful Thursday night? Maybe I will go for a walk on the rims instead. Boo humbug duldrums tonight. Meeting schmeeting...bye.
And I haven't even told my mom, or my financier who helps me with just about every aspect of my life. I haven't told my sponsor either. Only Aunna I guess, my masseuse and best friend. I told her I was a hairy he-she! I have made extreme changes to my book in the last month, so its not just a love story, but a shock to the system story. It revolutionized everything and took it to a whole new level. A scary level that I don't want to talk about because they will lock me away. So I keep my chin up, and do the everything is fine routine. Pull out a joke or two, and smile. I don't want people to worry because they already do. If I run around saying I am the Queen of the Gay people that wouldn't look too good. LOL JUST KIDDING!!! See I can make jokes, quite well...I do my best to keep people happy.
So kind of feeling alone in this and that is ok, because since getting sober I can stand on my own, and actually feel the most energy being alone. Used to have such a need for people...constantly needing ego food. Anyway I am gonna go sit at the meeting and stare off in outerspace, act like I am stupid and just don't get recovery, cause I am still all so messed up some say, because I am a mental person. Fudge em, right? Bored with it, but what else to do by myself on a beautiful Thursday night? Maybe I will go for a walk on the rims instead. Boo humbug duldrums tonight. Meeting schmeeting...bye.
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