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Song from "Fairytale..."

January 19, 2016

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Where is my muse?

When to come to my mind would be now. Somewhere in this dark and dreary world is my sunshine. Alone alot. Tired alot. Nothing on my mind...where is my muse? Hes gone. There is nothing left to say or write or dream I am old and ready to move on to the next life. I cannot kill myself though. This life has been hard. The ups and downs of it. I am ready for your return Jesus, the waiting part is the hardest. I want to see Jacob. My main man. Someone stole my book "Cheerleaders and Straightjackets." At least they found it interesting! Where are the days where I can come up with talented writing and want to sit here for hours and type??? Why in the world did I lost sight of all that? And when did I become such a slacker? Ive been on disability `11 years now. Its catching up with me. I feel ancient and ready to die. No I am not suicidal I just feel played out. I need to grab hold of something tangible to this realm and go for it. I need a way to make money to sur

Naked on the Nile

So there I was all wrapped up in moonlight. Unafraid and finding rest in the fresh sand dunes of Sacrifice Cliff. I was naked under the stars and by far one of the most thrilling nights of my life!!! Id been hanging out with homeless people. Some from all over the world. They had been keeping up with me step for step on even my psychosis and it tripped my lid!!! All the trading and bartering. So that day id taken an older gentleman to the river. As we walked into the woods towards the river everything got really beautiful. A side note of not so side...is that I had left my glasses at home. I knew that day was gonna be live and often I ruin or throw my glasses to the bottoms of lakes!!! Because wait a minute when I am in my heavenlies I can see!!! Its a full blown miracle the way those bluffs with trees turned into natives watching over me, as I floated down the Yellowstone River that warm September day in 2022. So the guy to be unnamed said he was 21 when I asked his age. He looked 60

Stepford Wife Syndrome

LOL. I think when God put my package together He must have really had a good laugh. I am like WTF? I really got to stop trying with these recovery groups...the latest was a native culture group...why did I think I would fit? Why? They said all were welcome? Other white people go there. I share how I do relate... maybe being a felon for texting is like the stupidest thing to ever admit to...but I am real. Too real! Why am I even surprised that my sharing comes across as holier than thou? I try to explain my struggle and it doesn't matter...I am a Stepford wife with no man, no money, living in public housing, a felon, disabled mentally, alcoholic and I am still not "on the level..." with other people who live those things. I know its the way I carry myself and that I am nice and not guarded...like nothing bad ever happened to my stupid ass? Maybe that's my character defect. I laughed with the leader of the group after and said I am thinking of winding up home

"Turtle Suit"

Never, ever, ever say you feel like "just dying" when you are in jail. Just don't...trust me on this. Even if you are just casually commenting on the situation at hand...don't do it!!! Especially if a guard is close by! I am warning you just keep these thoughts to yourself! They strip you naked and make you wear this disgusting foam thing called a "turtle suit" and throw you in a holding cell! I was in there waiting for psych for eight hours. They do not give you anything to calm you down either??? the fuk you say? My first time in jail I was in psychosis channeling my past from conception to present day and I decided that I was Pearl and my mother was Hester Prynne and my birth father gave us the "Welfare Scarlett Letter!" I even got a letter "A" and I was gonna iron it on my birthday dress for my one year! OMG!!! I hadn't really slept in about six days when I was brought in. I had done my fourth step and was processing t

Easy Peasy Book Publishing...

Easy Peasy as my five year old would say! The publishing process was easy! WOW! After all my turmoil and set backs, my book is finally published! I used Createspace which is an Amazon self publishing company. My book is quite different from my blog, because most of it went down before I started having all my spiritual experiences...it is a precursor to my blog, per se'. "Fairytale of a Felony Stalker" details how and why I fell in love and my first year in sobriety from alcohol. Also my first experience with a "heavenly" psychosis...texting and the struggle not to...jail...and most of all "what I have learned" from the experience. Here are my contents: Contents “I Heard She Went Crazy” -Introduction “The Crush” - March 18, 2013 “Phase Two- Reality” – April 20, 2013 “Higher Love” – May 3, 2013 “Recovery”- May 20, 2013 “Aftermath” - June 20, 2013 “The Meticulous June Letter” - June 22, 2013 “In the Balance” – J

Ex-Conformist-Separatist

It's really weird for me that I was always so conservative...wanted to fit in and blend in, and not stand out. I was raised conservative Christian. I could blend into that and look that and talk that, but I was never like 100...guess cause I liked to party! I am at church. They are holding it at the zoo today...I did it for the kids. I haven't been to church since I started going to the program and since my church decided my felony was made because of bad choices and refused to believe I had a mental handicap..."we can't help you because your're making poor choices...sounds like you need to walk this out on your own." And then I do that and I have great sobriety for some time and I try to tell them my story...and it fell on deaf ears. I had gone there for eight years and taken classes there etc. And I wasn't too severe in my illness so maybe what I recovered from seems like not a big deal. So they feature people's "decisions" to make

Sketchitfindit

So doctors call this thing I have schizo-affective disorder. And I am calling it God took over my computer this morning. My mouse wasn't working, and I had been getting frustrated...so I thought maybe defrag? I read my Jesus Daily and it was about "Focusing on God" like a Ballerina on point yesterday and today was about "welcoming problems as perspective lifters." So I read two days, because I don't always read it...I did for two years daily... And I search it and was somehow led to the mouse controls. And then my computer was running through pages on its own! Then I went to FB and I clicked on one thing and something about a Business Template popped up so I watch it three times to figure it out. Nope so my Cortana popped up and there was Twitter and so I went to see what to know on Wednesday and I was led through a process to the news site that doesn't have very many followers and I followed them and asked them to read "Homework." Also

Psychosis

Just as I have thought, the psychosis sounds like a cocoon. So the place I set my mind… Is out of this world. And even as I read the past few weeks over, I recognize that I only make sense to myself at that time. And if I were to try to go back and completely understand what I was experiencing during those times, I don't know if I would be able to. I do know all is a similar, linear storyline to me...and it is also scary to be in that place. I kept waking up to the end of the world...I was excited! I was relieved...and then it was not so. I don't know if I am a prophet...I don't know if I am the first or last one to know of hidden treasure, I just know I have this all inside me for a reason. I don't know the reason yet. But I am sure certain people would like to manufacture my psychosis with drugs...although it comes to me unknown in origin. Maybe I am possessed...but I did wake up and read the bible. Maybe I am just a spokesmodel of sorts that identifies with ani

Overwhelming God!

I don't know how to stop being amazed by all this...God is unbelievably amazing. I am in awe! How did this happen? How did I live through all that and become a better person and whole and healthy? And myself? Like really who he created me to be? And love myself and not be embarrassed of who I am? I had tears again...Left the meeting to go sit in my car. But they were tears of gratitude. And I've written this all out and how amazing that God had me do that! And I know that I can never repay Adam for showing me the way I should have always been treated. Making me wake up and face my demons I had drowned in all my life. Repeating pain over and over and over in a drunken nightmare. He fricken woke me up! I had been anestitized to feeling hurt. And now? And now I am delivered! I don't know how to stop being fricken amazed by all this! Wow!!! I'm just wow! And I have serenity! And I a me! I'm blown away! Damn. And what got me thinking about this in

Misty Water Colored Memoir

I was just thinking today of why I started writing four years ago...It wasn't part of my life before and now it is such a huge part. On my five month sobriety birthday in 2012 I made a list of the attributes I had at 15, before I started drinking. Somehow someway I wanted to reunify with that person and I had a desire to find this attributes in me again. I prayed to God to take me back to that time when I was Innocent. My fifteen list. Adam and I had been together for the month of December 2012...I had three months sober and that's not recommended. I liked him but I wasn't that invested and I broke it off with him in a letter I wrote and put with his Christmas present. I wanted to work on myself...Later in February I was reading a book about spiritual virginity. It was about how God can restore that in people who believe and trust. I prayed for that with my whole heart, that God would give me back what was taken from me at fifteen when I was raped. I prayed for God to

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