So I have been on Abilify for three weeks and it's been three weeks since I could hear Jake. That one morning where I was sitting in the lawn and I was connected to the sway of the trees and the birds were dancing in patterns to be one with me as well...I take that as Jake. On a Sunday I couldn't get my frozen mixed berries to blend so i heated them on the stove...I began baking which is something I never do and especially not early in the morning. It was a cake and I don't have a cake pan so it went into a Captain America metal lunchbox...and this was going to be a party for Jake's arrival and I made the best cake ever and frosted it with Nutella, mixed berries and nuts.
I just knew my boys would be there too and I set the table. I made a banner...I went all out...all meaningful things that I believed Jake put in my site for our game.
Then my mom and Connie showed up. I was so happy...but they said you need to go pack for the hospital...but I just knew Jake was meeting me at the airport and would never have to go to the hospital again. So I packed dresses and a swimsuit lol. And of course. Yes again three days in the hospital...party over.
I guess where I am at is though I love my story and how real it is and I know it is real...I have come to a place where my ex is keeping my kids from me. I was told not to tell my kids my beliefs by his girlfriend. I let my ten year old drive out on farm roads and he was amazing, but my exes reaction was not.
I've been grounding in reality and video talking with someone real. It's a step I guess and I like him very much. He makes me very happy and he may come to visit. I am not always crazy...it's like 1 percent of my life, and I deserve another chance at love no matter if once and while I cause maybe that few understand.
If I keep visiting Concord I make a choice to not parent my boys...in that case I would move away from Billings because the need stability and not my promises I can't keep! And the confusion...and talk of souls and reincarnation...yes I believe, but no not allowed to tell my own children why? Push me out so far!
Do I fight? Do I bail? And I am back to human and I miss the flow of energy coursing through me that made a rhythm of dance and light centering me in the universe.
Where do I go now? This is a tough decision...but for now I will go video chat with a hot Muslim and try to forget I once had the power to talk to and feel the dead. Medicine blocks spiritual things...what does it shut off inside me? And is that what I want?
I am scared because I feel directionless...I rarely get scared...so this is really scary.
I just knew my boys would be there too and I set the table. I made a banner...I went all out...all meaningful things that I believed Jake put in my site for our game.
Then my mom and Connie showed up. I was so happy...but they said you need to go pack for the hospital...but I just knew Jake was meeting me at the airport and would never have to go to the hospital again. So I packed dresses and a swimsuit lol. And of course. Yes again three days in the hospital...party over.
I guess where I am at is though I love my story and how real it is and I know it is real...I have come to a place where my ex is keeping my kids from me. I was told not to tell my kids my beliefs by his girlfriend. I let my ten year old drive out on farm roads and he was amazing, but my exes reaction was not.
I've been grounding in reality and video talking with someone real. It's a step I guess and I like him very much. He makes me very happy and he may come to visit. I am not always crazy...it's like 1 percent of my life, and I deserve another chance at love no matter if once and while I cause maybe that few understand.
If I keep visiting Concord I make a choice to not parent my boys...in that case I would move away from Billings because the need stability and not my promises I can't keep! And the confusion...and talk of souls and reincarnation...yes I believe, but no not allowed to tell my own children why? Push me out so far!
Do I fight? Do I bail? And I am back to human and I miss the flow of energy coursing through me that made a rhythm of dance and light centering me in the universe.
Where do I go now? This is a tough decision...but for now I will go video chat with a hot Muslim and try to forget I once had the power to talk to and feel the dead. Medicine blocks spiritual things...what does it shut off inside me? And is that what I want?
I am scared because I feel directionless...I rarely get scared...so this is really scary.
Comments