So there I was just staring...the way he always did to look so intense. I got to go somewhere...somewhere safe...like the Holiday. It's four am and I slept with the lights on. They just can't believe I would admit to sleeping with the lights on...my med that shuts off everything right by my bedside. Why do I choose to fight this? Wouldn't I be better not knowing...not hearing, wouldn't I just be a better human? Wouldn't I make more sense to the world if I just stupified? Lost all bearings to other worlds?
Now just breathe. They're really fukn mean. And no one asked me, I am just telling you. Without rhyme or reason, but I am not giving up hope... because I know my God is greater.
Yesterday I went for a drive to clear my head. I am lucky because a truth came to me...before I smashed my car into about 15 semis that passed me and the two bars that screamed at me to just get fukt. I decided that I give Adam so much power over me that basically it could kill me. Yes of course I wish he loved me and understood my heart for him...but if he can't and won't because I am a "creepy" maven. Then so be it.
Is there a saying that love is blind? Well I've been a blind woman taken fukn hostage, by his soul and obviously not by his shell. They don't match I am afraid. And I can't wait around like he is gonna appear like some damn super hero Jesus like to me savior.
This is my logical mind speaking this...not my heart. But sometimes the brain needs to kick the hearts ass. Like fukn look at poetry and a mountain of blogs about other planes of existence and this deep profound love I have for him, and really it's pain that would motivate me have to fight semis on the highway. Not love.
And my attackers in the spiritual realm went away as I write! The noise upon Awakening from a blank sleep was like a million souls and it became like one streamline noise...and I found myself just staring. Staring is not fighting it! I've literally figured out that if I keep busy and don't isolate that it subsides.
So bad I want to win this. So bad I want to stop loving Adam. I seriously have had my little relationship with him long enough. He has swelled up and given me great passion for life and opened doors in my mind that I really never thought possible. I am writer because he gave me something to write about...and that's it.
Now just breathe. They're really fukn mean. And no one asked me, I am just telling you. Without rhyme or reason, but I am not giving up hope... because I know my God is greater.
Yesterday I went for a drive to clear my head. I am lucky because a truth came to me...before I smashed my car into about 15 semis that passed me and the two bars that screamed at me to just get fukt. I decided that I give Adam so much power over me that basically it could kill me. Yes of course I wish he loved me and understood my heart for him...but if he can't and won't because I am a "creepy" maven. Then so be it.
Is there a saying that love is blind? Well I've been a blind woman taken fukn hostage, by his soul and obviously not by his shell. They don't match I am afraid. And I can't wait around like he is gonna appear like some damn super hero Jesus like to me savior.
This is my logical mind speaking this...not my heart. But sometimes the brain needs to kick the hearts ass. Like fukn look at poetry and a mountain of blogs about other planes of existence and this deep profound love I have for him, and really it's pain that would motivate me have to fight semis on the highway. Not love.
And my attackers in the spiritual realm went away as I write! The noise upon Awakening from a blank sleep was like a million souls and it became like one streamline noise...and I found myself just staring. Staring is not fighting it! I've literally figured out that if I keep busy and don't isolate that it subsides.
So bad I want to win this. So bad I want to stop loving Adam. I seriously have had my little relationship with him long enough. He has swelled up and given me great passion for life and opened doors in my mind that I really never thought possible. I am writer because he gave me something to write about...and that's it.
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