Just breathe...you're ok. You're cool. You're gifted...you're gonna keep telling your story. I am a little at a loss. AA people tell me I am headed for a relapse because they hear me having euphoric recall, when I explain how much easier my drinking life was. Well fake worlds are prettier. I decided I have hit a brick wall with AA...at least in the desparate need to be understood, so I go to the Crisis Center where they have a dual diagnosis meeting and fricken straight laid it on the table. All of it. All the stuff I have written on my blog but never discuss in public. And then it was clear that they weren't relating either. They sympathized but again even a lady with schitzo-affective order said she couldn't relate.
They did help me by listening and accepting me and I came to the conclusion that I am getting into a smaller and smaller societal box...and it is scary. I will never be allowed to care for other people in a hospital setting, or children. All because randomly for two weeks I have these spiritual experiences and though I naturally have 17 percent aggression...the thought of abortion enrages me! One lady suggest I join the wiccans. And the leader of the group said I am unsuspecting and that no one would ever know the magnitude of the things that happen to me, unless I told them and even when I do there is no fathomable way to relate and it falls on deaf ears. WOW!
I explained how pushing Shelby out of the wheelchair was to break his soul curse. And I thought he was gonna regenerate to be young again. Jacob Shelby Black! That's why it happened. I saw "Old Shelby's" umbilical hernia...and that was a sign. Adam has a wizard tattoo around his belly button and Keith Good also had and umbilical hernia. What gets clamped straight out the womb? A vessel, an three corded vessel...three cords strong...One vein and two arteries. Good oxygenated blood from the placenta coming into a vein through the umbilicus, into the inferior vena cava and two arteries carry deoxygenated blood away from the baby back to the placenta. When a newborn takes their first breath and oxygen is introduced a valve in the heart closes and the entire system is reversed. Reversed!
So I was like trading soul wounds with Randy and Shelby...Shelby was paralyzed at 19 and Randy at 19, set himself on fire. I gave Randy hair and skin and I gave Shelby his legs back. And for me they took my broken bones and scars from when I was 19 and run over by a car. They were both going along with everything I did. But you explain you pushed someone out of a wheelchair to make them young and healthy again...well you are in a little box and you feel awful and ashamed of yourself for hurting someone! And its all on camera. And I remember tearing apart the med room mad at the machine and found an Invega shot which had made me dead inside for a year and I got livid!!! Yeah never gonna work in health care again!
Yes my itty bitty box I have found myself in! On the way home I was kind of praying...ok so no one understands me around here. Some care and console me, but no one I have ever met in this town can relate...maybe its intensity levels, or the fact that I come out of it and you can't tell such things would happen? And judges say "your illness is not that bad?" And then I think of how I feel in heaven and so understood and so vital and somehow everyone in accord with me and doing exactly what I tell them and laughing with me? Even cops are asking me my superhero name and driving me to get my car. I flip realms in Billings, MT!!! Shutter, lens...off. Camera One please! Lights and action!
Back to my little box. Okay so here is a scene. There are a million Germ Men holding me up while I sleep. Spirits. We are in a spiritual battle and I am helping them escape the machine...and I can be big or I can be little, I shit you not I felt like Alice in Wonderland, shrinking and getting bigger. And it all had too do with how I had played with my dollhouse. I had recently gotten all sorts of new stuff for it and set it up like a trap house where the one 15 year old doll couldn't escape the attic. Get it? Fifteen is when I went to "hell..."A stuffed snake coming out a window was my only plumbing which led down to a metal grate which represented a sewer. The snake was in the window of the pirate room..."ALL RAPOSA's." Wolves, foxes, dogs, etc... That room happened to be wall papered with a map of the United States when I received this "free" eleven room dollhouse of my little girl dreams. Also in that room is a desk with all the paper and pens and envelopes...the girl has to see writing on the walls. There is a spindle in the girls attic room, which represents being anestitized...a photo a castle that says realm on a easel. In the master suite below her is a crib with a baby girl she can never get to. And just a disgusting mattress on the floor and empty dressers. In the other attic room there it is set up like Cinderella...there is a broom which she learns ride but pretends it is to be the maid. And an "hourglass" which all through my writing I have called an "Ourglass" and it represents the pendulum sift of souls going back and forth between realms. MORE ON THIS SIDE NOW.
And isn't it interesting that I get all this wonderful free stuff from this ladies basement and there is a framed picture of a fox on a back wall that I just happened to find. And then I don't find half the little treasures in a box until two weeks later? Like all little hand made expensive stuff? Trust me I can tell because I helped pack up a dollhouse store! So all the "germs?" I took em from an institution to a mansion filled with beautiful things, gave them a map of the entire US...and they went through my houses plumbing, and eventually to the ocean. And when I "pee in a cup" or a lake it goes somewhere too. And DNA is God's creation. And it isn't worthless. DNA MADE MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN!!! AND I WANT MY GIRL!
So maybe I feel like I am in a little box right now and it is scary and dark and I feel extremely weird. It also really, really exciting, because I don't think I am gonna get left there!!! I think I love too much to ever be left behind, and also I am loved like the universe in return...too much actually, and he proves it to me... and HE proves it to me. And that I have a good soul and I walk naked at lakes with another good soul, and I should just believe even if it isn't what this current society wants from me. I've had our senior pictures on my shelf for years with a BLACK SIGN THAT SAYS BELIEVE.
I am so happy just being me, and that I got the dollhouse I always wanted. So what if I feel ridiculed and like I don't belong here...You've reminded me I wasn't created for status but that everyone has a job to do, no matter how society treats them. But thank you for all my pain mixed with blessing...thank you that I believe in things bigger than buildings...and smaller than a cell.
(JEEZ the writing world is harsh! I got another rejection email from an agent. Lol...at least I think I am interesting! ALOT! Oh well maybe the reason for that is bigger than I can see right now. Just keep the faith right?)
They did help me by listening and accepting me and I came to the conclusion that I am getting into a smaller and smaller societal box...and it is scary. I will never be allowed to care for other people in a hospital setting, or children. All because randomly for two weeks I have these spiritual experiences and though I naturally have 17 percent aggression...the thought of abortion enrages me! One lady suggest I join the wiccans. And the leader of the group said I am unsuspecting and that no one would ever know the magnitude of the things that happen to me, unless I told them and even when I do there is no fathomable way to relate and it falls on deaf ears. WOW!
I explained how pushing Shelby out of the wheelchair was to break his soul curse. And I thought he was gonna regenerate to be young again. Jacob Shelby Black! That's why it happened. I saw "Old Shelby's" umbilical hernia...and that was a sign. Adam has a wizard tattoo around his belly button and Keith Good also had and umbilical hernia. What gets clamped straight out the womb? A vessel, an three corded vessel...three cords strong...One vein and two arteries. Good oxygenated blood from the placenta coming into a vein through the umbilicus, into the inferior vena cava and two arteries carry deoxygenated blood away from the baby back to the placenta. When a newborn takes their first breath and oxygen is introduced a valve in the heart closes and the entire system is reversed. Reversed!
So I was like trading soul wounds with Randy and Shelby...Shelby was paralyzed at 19 and Randy at 19, set himself on fire. I gave Randy hair and skin and I gave Shelby his legs back. And for me they took my broken bones and scars from when I was 19 and run over by a car. They were both going along with everything I did. But you explain you pushed someone out of a wheelchair to make them young and healthy again...well you are in a little box and you feel awful and ashamed of yourself for hurting someone! And its all on camera. And I remember tearing apart the med room mad at the machine and found an Invega shot which had made me dead inside for a year and I got livid!!! Yeah never gonna work in health care again!
Yes my itty bitty box I have found myself in! On the way home I was kind of praying...ok so no one understands me around here. Some care and console me, but no one I have ever met in this town can relate...maybe its intensity levels, or the fact that I come out of it and you can't tell such things would happen? And judges say "your illness is not that bad?" And then I think of how I feel in heaven and so understood and so vital and somehow everyone in accord with me and doing exactly what I tell them and laughing with me? Even cops are asking me my superhero name and driving me to get my car. I flip realms in Billings, MT!!! Shutter, lens...off. Camera One please! Lights and action!
Back to my little box. Okay so here is a scene. There are a million Germ Men holding me up while I sleep. Spirits. We are in a spiritual battle and I am helping them escape the machine...and I can be big or I can be little, I shit you not I felt like Alice in Wonderland, shrinking and getting bigger. And it all had too do with how I had played with my dollhouse. I had recently gotten all sorts of new stuff for it and set it up like a trap house where the one 15 year old doll couldn't escape the attic. Get it? Fifteen is when I went to "hell..."A stuffed snake coming out a window was my only plumbing which led down to a metal grate which represented a sewer. The snake was in the window of the pirate room..."ALL RAPOSA's." Wolves, foxes, dogs, etc... That room happened to be wall papered with a map of the United States when I received this "free" eleven room dollhouse of my little girl dreams. Also in that room is a desk with all the paper and pens and envelopes...the girl has to see writing on the walls. There is a spindle in the girls attic room, which represents being anestitized...a photo a castle that says realm on a easel. In the master suite below her is a crib with a baby girl she can never get to. And just a disgusting mattress on the floor and empty dressers. In the other attic room there it is set up like Cinderella...there is a broom which she learns ride but pretends it is to be the maid. And an "hourglass" which all through my writing I have called an "Ourglass" and it represents the pendulum sift of souls going back and forth between realms. MORE ON THIS SIDE NOW.
And isn't it interesting that I get all this wonderful free stuff from this ladies basement and there is a framed picture of a fox on a back wall that I just happened to find. And then I don't find half the little treasures in a box until two weeks later? Like all little hand made expensive stuff? Trust me I can tell because I helped pack up a dollhouse store! So all the "germs?" I took em from an institution to a mansion filled with beautiful things, gave them a map of the entire US...and they went through my houses plumbing, and eventually to the ocean. And when I "pee in a cup" or a lake it goes somewhere too. And DNA is God's creation. And it isn't worthless. DNA MADE MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN!!! AND I WANT MY GIRL!
So maybe I feel like I am in a little box right now and it is scary and dark and I feel extremely weird. It also really, really exciting, because I don't think I am gonna get left there!!! I think I love too much to ever be left behind, and also I am loved like the universe in return...too much actually, and he proves it to me... and HE proves it to me. And that I have a good soul and I walk naked at lakes with another good soul, and I should just believe even if it isn't what this current society wants from me. I've had our senior pictures on my shelf for years with a BLACK SIGN THAT SAYS BELIEVE.
I am so happy just being me, and that I got the dollhouse I always wanted. So what if I feel ridiculed and like I don't belong here...You've reminded me I wasn't created for status but that everyone has a job to do, no matter how society treats them. But thank you for all my pain mixed with blessing...thank you that I believe in things bigger than buildings...and smaller than a cell.
(JEEZ the writing world is harsh! I got another rejection email from an agent. Lol...at least I think I am interesting! ALOT! Oh well maybe the reason for that is bigger than I can see right now. Just keep the faith right?)
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